Finally, I have internet! It’s been so long since my last update, I know, but I thank you for waiting patiently as I continue my work over here. Last time you all heard from me, I was in Sarajevo. It was so wonderful being in Sarajevo. I really think we did a lot of great things while we were there. We did work in a ministry center which is used by numerous ministries in Sarajevo, taught English to some really wonderful and cute kids, helped a recovering drug addict who is now a believer (great testimony) fix a hole in his roof and paint his rooms and met so many people…it was great. We left Sarajevo for Budapest on May 9th. It was sad to go, but we knew God had more planned for us.
Riding on the train to Budapest wasn’t bad; we arrived later that evening and got to the place we were staying. Budapest is so beautiful. If you get the chance to go there, you should really go. While praying, one of our team members felt led to go and travel to where the prostitutes are and give them flowers so they can know they are worth more than what money can buy and are precious to God. We took the metro to a certain area in the city and split off in two’s and three’s. I thought we would be able to find them rather easily. We took a small back street and began walking. After about 15 minutes and seeing no one, we decided to turn back (my teammate and I). Only problem was, we couldn’t remember which way was back. So, we picked a road and began walking down it, still hoping to find someone to give these flowers to. We finally found the main street and started walking back. We were pretty sure that we weren’t giving these flowers to any body at this point so we just tried to meet up with our team again at the meeting point and not be lost. While we were walking down the street, we saw some blankets flowing off a stoop. As we approached, we saw a small, old lady lying on the stoop, a dirty pillow under her head and a beaten rag of a blanket lying on top of her. She didn’t really notice me but something led me to approach her. I slowly bent down and raised the flowers in front of her (a bouquet of flowers). When she met my eyes, I could see loneliness and sadness, distrust and a caution stirring within. Her eyes fell to the flowers and then back to me, when I watched all of those previous things break. She finally realized what I was doing. Slowly, she reached out and took the flowers, almost in disbelief that I was even real. When her hands touched, her face was stone, not sure what to think, but as she pulled the flowers from my hand, everything in her seemed to melt and hope seemed to shine out of her. She looked up and gave me one of the most heartfelt and beautiful smiles I may have seen on this entire trip, at least since the Serbian woman. As we walked away, we both turned back and looked at the woman; she was smelling the flowers with a wonder and amazement in her eyes. She seemed peaceful and content, even if just in that moment. It was a beautiful sight to see.
After Budapest, we headed up to Kosice, Slovakia to stay with Dayna, one of my mother’s friends and one of my missions’ supporters (who is reading this same email as you and has gotten all the same emails). Slovakia was great. Dayna was such a wonderfully hospitable person and helped us so greatly. Her family will be moving soon to Belgrade, Serbia. Please pray for their move and for their family. They are really amazing people. While we were in Slovakia, we were working alongside US Steel. Half of the team worked in a school primarily made up of Roma children from the surrounding village and the other worked manual labor fixing up a Jewish Cemetery and some other work. I worked in the school. It was a lot of fun being with the children, playing games, speaking English, answering questions and just showing them they are loved. After a few days in Kosice, we rented cars and drove to Krakow (where I had authentic Polish Pierogies…first time having pierogies outside of Pittsburgh). Driving through Europe is a lot of fun. It’s really very beautiful here. Krakow is a lovely place but a sadness still lingers there from World War II. Only about 30 minutes from the city is Auschwitz. It was very difficult to visit a place where so much evil happened. I’ve studied a lot of World War II and the evil’s of the Third Reich, but studying and seeing with my own eyes are two very different things. I don’t remember praying that day while we were there. I didn’t know what to pray. I didn’t entirely know what to think other than questioning how human beings could do such terrible things to other human beings. It terrified me. Afterwards, I couldn’t keep but to pray that this never happens ever again. Ever. Sadly, I know the truth that this is still happening today in so many parts of the world. The Karen tribe of Burma, forced into neighboring Thailand so as to not be exterminated permanently, the Acholi-tribes of Northern Uganda, the Rwandan massacre and Bosnian massacre, both in the 90’s, Apartheid in South Africa, the war raging in the Congo. Why are we ignoring these issues? How can we sit around and discuss the horrors of the past and ignore the present? Why are their 27 million slaves in the world today, more than were transported during 400 years of Trans-Atlantic slave trade? Why are women stripped of their rights and dignity and forced to have sex – and no one does anything?
I guess this is one of the reasons why I’m doing what I’m doing. I can’t sit around and do nothing. I really hope I’m making a dent in making this world a better place, even if just a little bit, while on this trip. We continued onward from Krakow to Prague. Once again, Prague is absolutely beautiful and if you ever get an opportunity to go, you really need to take it. It’s astounding. So much history here. So many beautiful buildings. 14th century homes line the streets in the upper sections of Old Town. Gothic churches, enormous synagogues, more statues than I’ve ever seen in my life, it’s really incredible. Prague used to be in the Top 20 most visited places in the world for sex tourism. While it’s illegal in Czech Republic to practice prostitution, it’s very tolerated. During our time here, we will possibly try, like in Budapest, to meet and talk with some of these ladies, hear their stories and show them a love like they haven’t known, a love that goes beyond human touch and monetary exchange. A love that cannot be bought or sold, but one that dwells within each and every one of us. A love that has been distorted and slowly destroyed by the grotesques nature of mankind as these women are abused and kept bonded within their own hell. Maybe they aren’t all trapped within their profession, but many are slaves – there is no doubt about that. Many, if not most, did not choose to do this but were deceived into such a horrible line of work. While it can be hard for us as westerners to understand how you could fall for something like this, the facts remain and the truth is that a lot of these girls were tricked and for fear of their lives and their families lives, they stay and do what they need to do. I hope we can show them they are worth more than what they can perform. They are worth the entire world.
Thank you so much for your continued support. Please pray for our team who was in Russia, they have arrived in Amsterdam and are working with prostitutes there as well. They know it’s going to be very hard for them and are asking for prayer support as I too ask you to keep them in prayer. The Morocco team is still doing work there, and great work at that. Please keep them in prayer as well. We will be going to Germany and then Amsterdam next. It’s been a long trip but a good one at that. I want you to know that your support has been so crucial to my being here and I can’t thank you all enough for how you’ve blessed this team and me. Though you are not here, you are just as much a part of this trip as I am or anyone else who is here with me, and I do believe that. Thank you for partnering with me in this. I really hope and pray that the Lord will bless you all so very much. I will be back in Pittsburgh this summer and am very excited to share more of my experiences with you all. Thank you again. God Bless.
Blessings
Matt
Monday, May 18, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Update from Serbia
Hey everyone,
I have a chance for a real quick update. While I was in Serbia, on our last day there, a small group of us were walking around after dinner and we came across a really old lady, sitting on a stoop outside of a shop. She looked lonely and we wanted to help in some way so my friend, Meredith thought to buy her some popcorn. So I bought her some popcorn and a bottle of water and sat with her and gave it to her. Her face went from loneliness to sheer joy and she took the popcorn and water from me. I continued to sit with her as her smile had me locked to that stoop beside her. I didn't want to get up - even though i couldn't communicate with her (she spoke NO english) I just sat with her. After some time of her speaking to me and smiling and laughing, I asked if I could take a picture of her by motioning with the camera, she agreed. It was a beautiful moment that I will not soon forget. After we left and continued walking, we had to turn around and go back past her. I waved as we passed and she looked as if she was going to jump out of her seat. Her smile reached across her face and she waved with so much joy and love. Just in that small moment, I saw the Kingdom of God open up and surround this woman. In a moment of belonging, a moment of love and comfort, a moment of sharing with her by simply sitting with her so she wouldn't sit alone, I saw the Kingdom of God move. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. There is one of the photos of her in this email.
After Serbia, we left for Kosovo. Kosovo was awesome. The people there are amazing and are very welcoming. They also love American's which was different from many of the other countries so far, so that made it even nicer. We made a lot of friends during our few days in Kosovo and we all hope to go back again and see them.
We are currently in Macedonia but are leaving shortly for Albania. I spent most of my time talking about the Serbian Grandmother. Please continue praying for all of us and also for the Russia and Morocco teams. God is doing amazing things over here and in those places as well and we're very excited for what he has in store. I'm not sure when I'll be online next but I'll try to keep you all updated again as soon as I can and send some more pictures. May the Lord bless all of you. Thank you for your support.
Matt
Thursday, April 9th - Tirana, Albania
Friday, April 10th - Dubrovnik, Croatia
Saturday, April 11th - Dubrovnik
Sunday, April 12th - Sarajevo, Bosnia (till May 7th)
I have a chance for a real quick update. While I was in Serbia, on our last day there, a small group of us were walking around after dinner and we came across a really old lady, sitting on a stoop outside of a shop. She looked lonely and we wanted to help in some way so my friend, Meredith thought to buy her some popcorn. So I bought her some popcorn and a bottle of water and sat with her and gave it to her. Her face went from loneliness to sheer joy and she took the popcorn and water from me. I continued to sit with her as her smile had me locked to that stoop beside her. I didn't want to get up - even though i couldn't communicate with her (she spoke NO english) I just sat with her. After some time of her speaking to me and smiling and laughing, I asked if I could take a picture of her by motioning with the camera, she agreed. It was a beautiful moment that I will not soon forget. After we left and continued walking, we had to turn around and go back past her. I waved as we passed and she looked as if she was going to jump out of her seat. Her smile reached across her face and she waved with so much joy and love. Just in that small moment, I saw the Kingdom of God open up and surround this woman. In a moment of belonging, a moment of love and comfort, a moment of sharing with her by simply sitting with her so she wouldn't sit alone, I saw the Kingdom of God move. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. There is one of the photos of her in this email.
After Serbia, we left for Kosovo. Kosovo was awesome. The people there are amazing and are very welcoming. They also love American's which was different from many of the other countries so far, so that made it even nicer. We made a lot of friends during our few days in Kosovo and we all hope to go back again and see them.
We are currently in Macedonia but are leaving shortly for Albania. I spent most of my time talking about the Serbian Grandmother. Please continue praying for all of us and also for the Russia and Morocco teams. God is doing amazing things over here and in those places as well and we're very excited for what he has in store. I'm not sure when I'll be online next but I'll try to keep you all updated again as soon as I can and send some more pictures. May the Lord bless all of you. Thank you for your support.
Matt
Thursday, April 9th - Tirana, Albania
Friday, April 10th - Dubrovnik, Croatia
Saturday, April 11th - Dubrovnik
Sunday, April 12th - Sarajevo, Bosnia (till May 7th)
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Observational Update
I haven't written in a while. I haven't felt completely inspired to write, but I feel I should at least update you guys on what's going on (since that's why I started this in the first place). So the last time I updated on here, I was still in Brazil, only days away from leaving. I wasn't very happy with certain people I was on mission with either at the time. Since then, that issue has been resolved and everything is fine again.
I also had written about a project that I really cared about falling through. Sadly, it did fall through completely. I was very down about it but was given a second opportunity for a video. The school on the YWAM base has no teachers. Those who have taken on the responsibilities of teaching are full-time missionaries and parents (which means they really don't have the time to be doing this). It's so much more work for them than they really should be taking on and it's hard to handle sometimes as 1 woman is teaching 4 different grade levels everyday! That would get pretty stressful. Well, I was asked to do a promotional video for them (3 days before we left - due in 2 days) with interviews and footage showing the children and school and asking for teachers to please come and commit some time to teaching at the school in Brazil.
I hope to have this video up on my filmmaker's myspace soon. It turned out really well and was a great encouragement to me. I really am happy with how it turned out and what it will hopefully accomplish for this base. There was a lot of complaining, including and especially by myself, that we did nothing but stay on the base. I had a very hard time understanding why we were there. I wanted to go into town and play with the street kids and help those suffering in slavery by documenting it and getting a non-profit from the US or UK involved in helping free them. None of that happened though. We didn't leave the base. We didn't go anywhere. We stayed on the base.
But does that mean I didn't do anything or do anything worthwhile while I was there? In the moment, and I know a lot of those who were there with me will agree, that it felt like we weren't doing anything. It felt like a wasted trip. Looking back though, was it really? Why does an outreach have to always be about saving this many people and preaching to this many people and all that? Why are our minds so hung up on this? I don't even like street evangelism and didn't want to do it (that's just not how I am. I feel convicted about it, for me - not saying it's wrong, I just can't do it). So why so hung up? I guess I built up to many expectations for what outreach would be like and when it wasn't the way my mind thought it would be, I was disappointed.
But what about servanthood? What about serving those who need it, including Christians? Why do we assume that since we're on a missionary base, that by being there, we're not helping? Why'd I do that? Why'd I think that? Looking back, I can see now how we were there for those people, for the other missionaries who live in Brazil. Not just with the promotional videos we made for the base to help the base, but even working in the kitchen when they needed us to, playing volleyball and hanging out with them, playing with their kids (cutest kids). Why aren't those helping? Why isn't encouragement considered serving?
I look back now and, while I would still probably change aspects of the outreach, I can't actually say it was a waste. If even one of the videos we did helps that base, then isn't that fully worth it? If one child there was very happy that we came and found so much joy in playing with us, if the burden in the kitchen was lessened because of us working in there, well isn't that what it's all about? Did we do good there after all?
Yeah, just not how we thought.
Now, I'm on my second week back in Hawaii (comin' home to Pittsburgh on Monday) and have been working pretty much since I got back. I am now staff here for The Redemption Project, which was started partially by a friend of mine from back in Pittsburgh, who was out here working with YWAM (and helped convince me to come to YWAM). So, being staff now (which is unpaid - missionaries don't get paid), I've had a lot of work to do.
Right now, a lot of different seminars and conferences are taking place in YWAM Kona. The leader I work under in the Redemption Project, Luke, was Kona's coordinator for the Government Strategy Conference here. Since I'm the only other Redemption Project staff here, I have been helping him with preparing for those who would be attending. I slaved over my computer making a booket with the information for the weekend, Networking Platform, and stories from speakers experiences. It turned out very nice though.
On Monday night, I fly out of Kona and arrive in Pittsburgh on Tuesday night. So that is a slight update for what I've been doing lately. Hope to see most of you during my visit to Pittsburgh!
If you want good music - listen to Rocky Votolato. It'll change your life (acoustic folk. Amazing)
I also had written about a project that I really cared about falling through. Sadly, it did fall through completely. I was very down about it but was given a second opportunity for a video. The school on the YWAM base has no teachers. Those who have taken on the responsibilities of teaching are full-time missionaries and parents (which means they really don't have the time to be doing this). It's so much more work for them than they really should be taking on and it's hard to handle sometimes as 1 woman is teaching 4 different grade levels everyday! That would get pretty stressful. Well, I was asked to do a promotional video for them (3 days before we left - due in 2 days) with interviews and footage showing the children and school and asking for teachers to please come and commit some time to teaching at the school in Brazil.
I hope to have this video up on my filmmaker's myspace soon. It turned out really well and was a great encouragement to me. I really am happy with how it turned out and what it will hopefully accomplish for this base. There was a lot of complaining, including and especially by myself, that we did nothing but stay on the base. I had a very hard time understanding why we were there. I wanted to go into town and play with the street kids and help those suffering in slavery by documenting it and getting a non-profit from the US or UK involved in helping free them. None of that happened though. We didn't leave the base. We didn't go anywhere. We stayed on the base.
But does that mean I didn't do anything or do anything worthwhile while I was there? In the moment, and I know a lot of those who were there with me will agree, that it felt like we weren't doing anything. It felt like a wasted trip. Looking back though, was it really? Why does an outreach have to always be about saving this many people and preaching to this many people and all that? Why are our minds so hung up on this? I don't even like street evangelism and didn't want to do it (that's just not how I am. I feel convicted about it, for me - not saying it's wrong, I just can't do it). So why so hung up? I guess I built up to many expectations for what outreach would be like and when it wasn't the way my mind thought it would be, I was disappointed.
But what about servanthood? What about serving those who need it, including Christians? Why do we assume that since we're on a missionary base, that by being there, we're not helping? Why'd I do that? Why'd I think that? Looking back, I can see now how we were there for those people, for the other missionaries who live in Brazil. Not just with the promotional videos we made for the base to help the base, but even working in the kitchen when they needed us to, playing volleyball and hanging out with them, playing with their kids (cutest kids). Why aren't those helping? Why isn't encouragement considered serving?
I look back now and, while I would still probably change aspects of the outreach, I can't actually say it was a waste. If even one of the videos we did helps that base, then isn't that fully worth it? If one child there was very happy that we came and found so much joy in playing with us, if the burden in the kitchen was lessened because of us working in there, well isn't that what it's all about? Did we do good there after all?
Yeah, just not how we thought.
Now, I'm on my second week back in Hawaii (comin' home to Pittsburgh on Monday) and have been working pretty much since I got back. I am now staff here for The Redemption Project, which was started partially by a friend of mine from back in Pittsburgh, who was out here working with YWAM (and helped convince me to come to YWAM). So, being staff now (which is unpaid - missionaries don't get paid), I've had a lot of work to do.
Right now, a lot of different seminars and conferences are taking place in YWAM Kona. The leader I work under in the Redemption Project, Luke, was Kona's coordinator for the Government Strategy Conference here. Since I'm the only other Redemption Project staff here, I have been helping him with preparing for those who would be attending. I slaved over my computer making a booket with the information for the weekend, Networking Platform, and stories from speakers experiences. It turned out very nice though.
On Monday night, I fly out of Kona and arrive in Pittsburgh on Tuesday night. So that is a slight update for what I've been doing lately. Hope to see most of you during my visit to Pittsburgh!
If you want good music - listen to Rocky Votolato. It'll change your life (acoustic folk. Amazing)
Thursday, August 21, 2008
The Audacity Of People
It amazes me how absolute selfish we can be as a race. Humans are so blind to the fact that they don't have a clue. Especially over privileged rich boys who piss and moan when they don't get their way.
Don't get me wrong, I have my own problems and piss and moan about plenty. I mean, hell, I have a blog! Read my posts, I do it often. I hope though, that I am not so careless and so ignorant to a situation that I created, which due to circumstances have emotionally hurt another person, that I completely ignore everything around me and go about my business like things are nice and jolly. No, I'm hoping I'm not that heartless and inconsiderate of others.
Maybe being on this mission trip has actually been more helpful than I thought. I know that one of the things I've often found myself thinking is - "well, now I know how not to act." I guess that's something good to learn, right? Really though, it truly boggles my mind how people can be so careless and be so focused on themselves that they see the wrongs they have done and simply something along the lines of,
"Woops, my bad! Now get over it, thanks!"
In classic fashion, what is one to do? That's what I was asked when I maybe slipped in my temper expressing his need to shut up about the situation, upon which he asked me, "what was I to do? I said sorry!"
Sometimes, especially when you make someone cry and then are completely rude to them after the fact just so you can watch your damn movie, SOMETIMES sorry just doesn't cut it! Sometimes, action is in order. Talk to the person, express that you didn't know what you were doing was a bad thing (as the actual act that I am writing about was a bit of a misunderstanding and even I was surprised at the outcome) but the response of the person responsible just shows the nature of man. This terrible nature that infuriates me so much, only begs another question I constantly find myself asking, is there anyone left I can trust? Is there anyone left who isn't completely self-absorbed? Someone that can care for someone else more than they care about watching a bad online copy of Tropic Thunder?
I hope so but that hope seems to fade more than it grows. It only seems that "I" matter to myself and no one else matters but me anymore. I can't even count the number of things I've done to try and be kind and generous to people who act this way, including who this blog is about, only to be met with more ridicule and a feeling of being used. Yet, I keep persisting to help them and honestly, probably would help this very person tomorrow if they needed it. Why do I do that? Am I just weak or do I actually believe that there actually can be some amount of good in every person, and it's just a matter of time before they realize their own potential?
I wonder what Jesus felt like when he was around Judas Iscariot. I don't think there is a verse in the Bible that says anything along the lines of Jesus being wary and cautious of Judas. He invited him and chose him to be among his 12, his group that he was closest with, even though he knew that Judas was going to betray him and sell him into the hands of his killers. What would we do if we were put in that situation? How would you respond if you were given knowledge of the future and could know the person who would later betray you in such a way, even a way that would lead to your death? What would you do?
I would avoid them at all costs most likely. I wouldn't want to deal with the pain that person's betrayal would put me through. I would rather just not know them, regardless of the insights they may have been able to give me during our time. I really don't think I would be able to handle being around that person if we were in contact. If they were apart of the group that I even hung out with, brought in from a friend, I'd be cautious around them and not let them get close to me - but that's not at all what Jesus did and he knew that this person would be key in leading him to his death.
And he loved him. I think that's what gets me the most. If you look into what I believe of love, a central point of that belief is that love is an action and I think that Jesus was a man more full of love than anyone else. He loved him. He knew all his dark secrets and knew his future and what would happen but it didn't matter because in the moment, Jesus loved him would of done anything for him.
As an act of servitude (something I've only done with a few people close to me who were on the 2nd Hot Metal Bridge mission trip to Mississippi) Jesus even washed his feet. He didn't say to him, "well, you're not the best of friends and I'd really rather not" or anything like that. He humbled himself and washed his betrayers feet. Would I be willing to wash this person's feet? How about any of the other people in my past who have hurt me?
What about the people I've hurt? How many times have I been a Judas? Maybe not necessarily to the extent of some but what about other ways that I've been a Judas? Will anyone accept me? Love me? Wash my feet?
Well...maybe after my time in Brazil wouldn't be the best time to wash my feet as I've worn sandles the whole time and my feet, though washed, still resemble the dirt on the roads we walk.
That's a bit off point though. I guess when it comes to my betrayers, I need to realize that I'm no better than them as every person, in their own way, has a little bit of Judas in them. That doesn't mean that we should stand by and let a rude remark, a complete disregard for another human being or even the exteme Judas' injustices go on unanswered. The Judas here won't respond to the confrontations of anyone, including our leader, as anything less than us blowing up a situation that's simple and everyone should get over it (since he doesn't care and doesn't want to feel bad, then we shouldn't care and he shouldn't have to feel bad. Right?) Not all of us are very good with confrontation though, and that's when we can still do something for those who have been hurt and showing them that we care.
I hope that anyone that I have hurt that is reading this will know that any harm done was unintentional. I know the pain that others can inflict and wouldn't wish that on another person. To those who are hurting, I hope that someone will come to your side, no matter how much pain you've been put in.
And I hope we will realize that all human beings were created equal and maybe, just maybe, that means that there's good somewhere inside us all. In some, it may just be deeper than others. I think I've said all I need to say. Thank you for reading.
Don't get me wrong, I have my own problems and piss and moan about plenty. I mean, hell, I have a blog! Read my posts, I do it often. I hope though, that I am not so careless and so ignorant to a situation that I created, which due to circumstances have emotionally hurt another person, that I completely ignore everything around me and go about my business like things are nice and jolly. No, I'm hoping I'm not that heartless and inconsiderate of others.
Maybe being on this mission trip has actually been more helpful than I thought. I know that one of the things I've often found myself thinking is - "well, now I know how not to act." I guess that's something good to learn, right? Really though, it truly boggles my mind how people can be so careless and be so focused on themselves that they see the wrongs they have done and simply something along the lines of,
"Woops, my bad! Now get over it, thanks!"
In classic fashion, what is one to do? That's what I was asked when I maybe slipped in my temper expressing his need to shut up about the situation, upon which he asked me, "what was I to do? I said sorry!"
Sometimes, especially when you make someone cry and then are completely rude to them after the fact just so you can watch your damn movie, SOMETIMES sorry just doesn't cut it! Sometimes, action is in order. Talk to the person, express that you didn't know what you were doing was a bad thing (as the actual act that I am writing about was a bit of a misunderstanding and even I was surprised at the outcome) but the response of the person responsible just shows the nature of man. This terrible nature that infuriates me so much, only begs another question I constantly find myself asking, is there anyone left I can trust? Is there anyone left who isn't completely self-absorbed? Someone that can care for someone else more than they care about watching a bad online copy of Tropic Thunder?
I hope so but that hope seems to fade more than it grows. It only seems that "I" matter to myself and no one else matters but me anymore. I can't even count the number of things I've done to try and be kind and generous to people who act this way, including who this blog is about, only to be met with more ridicule and a feeling of being used. Yet, I keep persisting to help them and honestly, probably would help this very person tomorrow if they needed it. Why do I do that? Am I just weak or do I actually believe that there actually can be some amount of good in every person, and it's just a matter of time before they realize their own potential?
I wonder what Jesus felt like when he was around Judas Iscariot. I don't think there is a verse in the Bible that says anything along the lines of Jesus being wary and cautious of Judas. He invited him and chose him to be among his 12, his group that he was closest with, even though he knew that Judas was going to betray him and sell him into the hands of his killers. What would we do if we were put in that situation? How would you respond if you were given knowledge of the future and could know the person who would later betray you in such a way, even a way that would lead to your death? What would you do?
I would avoid them at all costs most likely. I wouldn't want to deal with the pain that person's betrayal would put me through. I would rather just not know them, regardless of the insights they may have been able to give me during our time. I really don't think I would be able to handle being around that person if we were in contact. If they were apart of the group that I even hung out with, brought in from a friend, I'd be cautious around them and not let them get close to me - but that's not at all what Jesus did and he knew that this person would be key in leading him to his death.
And he loved him. I think that's what gets me the most. If you look into what I believe of love, a central point of that belief is that love is an action and I think that Jesus was a man more full of love than anyone else. He loved him. He knew all his dark secrets and knew his future and what would happen but it didn't matter because in the moment, Jesus loved him would of done anything for him.
As an act of servitude (something I've only done with a few people close to me who were on the 2nd Hot Metal Bridge mission trip to Mississippi) Jesus even washed his feet. He didn't say to him, "well, you're not the best of friends and I'd really rather not" or anything like that. He humbled himself and washed his betrayers feet. Would I be willing to wash this person's feet? How about any of the other people in my past who have hurt me?
What about the people I've hurt? How many times have I been a Judas? Maybe not necessarily to the extent of some but what about other ways that I've been a Judas? Will anyone accept me? Love me? Wash my feet?
Well...maybe after my time in Brazil wouldn't be the best time to wash my feet as I've worn sandles the whole time and my feet, though washed, still resemble the dirt on the roads we walk.
That's a bit off point though. I guess when it comes to my betrayers, I need to realize that I'm no better than them as every person, in their own way, has a little bit of Judas in them. That doesn't mean that we should stand by and let a rude remark, a complete disregard for another human being or even the exteme Judas' injustices go on unanswered. The Judas here won't respond to the confrontations of anyone, including our leader, as anything less than us blowing up a situation that's simple and everyone should get over it (since he doesn't care and doesn't want to feel bad, then we shouldn't care and he shouldn't have to feel bad. Right?) Not all of us are very good with confrontation though, and that's when we can still do something for those who have been hurt and showing them that we care.
I hope that anyone that I have hurt that is reading this will know that any harm done was unintentional. I know the pain that others can inflict and wouldn't wish that on another person. To those who are hurting, I hope that someone will come to your side, no matter how much pain you've been put in.
And I hope we will realize that all human beings were created equal and maybe, just maybe, that means that there's good somewhere inside us all. In some, it may just be deeper than others. I think I've said all I need to say. Thank you for reading.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Insomnia (And How Much It Sucks!)
The title's are similar cause I'm going to pick up on some things I discussed in the last one. First though, we should all be able to respect how awesome New Found Glory is and how excited I am that tickets to the show next month (while I'm home) are only $16. Someone should buy them for me. It would make me SO happy cause then I could see the perfect pop-punk/hardcore show of the year. You don't have to though, just thought I would throw that out there. Anyways...
Things are still rough. Sadly, as I was talking about before, my project that was having trouble is now defunct and dead. It was canceled due to some interview problems. Apparently, no one actually felt like answering my questions but decided to just talk about whatever they wanted, therefore giving me 3 different interviews about 3 different things. Needless to say, I couldn't really make a story out that and had to sadly pull the plug on the project. There is a glimmer of hope left in the good interview I did get though, so we'll see what happens with that. With that gone though, I'm now out of a project and don't really have to much to do. The days are long and I'm a bit burnt out from the daily routine and the lack of sleep.
Sleep. What a concept. They say that when you sleep, your bodies at rest. I wouldn't know what sleep felt like if I tried my best. I swear, I lay in bed every night and it takes me longer and longer to fall asleep. I checked the other night. I had laid in bed for over 4 hours trying to fall asleep and still I stayed awake. I am reading through the old testament right now (deuteronomy) and even THAT isn't helping me sleep. It's so repetitive and gets boring when you read the same thing over and over and yet, not sleepy. It's terrible. I can't wait to get back to Hawaii where I'll be on a normal sleeping schedule. If only I could get a Dr. Pepper and some Captain Morgan...hmm...
Granted, today it was suggested that I make use of my insomnia. Apparently, University of Pittsburgh pays big bucks to study people with sleeping disorders. I am desperate for an HVX (or at least am saving up for an HD camera) and could use some big bucks. If I can make money off my insomnia, then it's a win win! So, I think I might sell myself to the University for scientific testing (that sounds so cool and creepy when you put it that way. It's how superheroes are made!)
Until then though, I'll have to suffer through it and deal. It's really a pain though. I just want to sleep and wake up and not be in pain or tired. Can't I just have a good nights sleep? Please? Is it really so much to ask?
Pain is the other part of this that is an irritant. I wake up every morning with an intense amount of pain in my lower back. It's not anything new and I would imagine by now that I would be used to it. I'm not though and it's irritating me. I'm really not sure what to do. It's hard to get tea in the mornings here too. Pretty much, I'm just a crank who shouldn't be bother for the first 4 hours he's awake. Yeah, that makes sense. Take off an hour if I get a back massage. Take off another hour if I get a BIG cup of tea. If it's a small cup...then only take off 30 minutes.
I'm really running off the point here. I'm not sure I had much of a point. Everyone is starting to wind down since it's our last week. Sleep deprivation and morning back pain is taking a toll on me and I'm kind of tired of taking cold showers (sooo cold).
I think I'm coming to terms with not having a project to share with everyone. I mean, I can't expect everyone to be so needy. I don't really understand why I was like that but I'm starting to come to terms with it and realize that maybe, just maybe, people are glad that I am here doing what I can. I might not have an amazing story like some other missionaries, but at least I was here to serve, right?
I think I've been distracted by to much to keep going with this. I lost what I was writing so this will serve as an update. See you in about a week, Hawaii!
Things are still rough. Sadly, as I was talking about before, my project that was having trouble is now defunct and dead. It was canceled due to some interview problems. Apparently, no one actually felt like answering my questions but decided to just talk about whatever they wanted, therefore giving me 3 different interviews about 3 different things. Needless to say, I couldn't really make a story out that and had to sadly pull the plug on the project. There is a glimmer of hope left in the good interview I did get though, so we'll see what happens with that. With that gone though, I'm now out of a project and don't really have to much to do. The days are long and I'm a bit burnt out from the daily routine and the lack of sleep.
Sleep. What a concept. They say that when you sleep, your bodies at rest. I wouldn't know what sleep felt like if I tried my best. I swear, I lay in bed every night and it takes me longer and longer to fall asleep. I checked the other night. I had laid in bed for over 4 hours trying to fall asleep and still I stayed awake. I am reading through the old testament right now (deuteronomy) and even THAT isn't helping me sleep. It's so repetitive and gets boring when you read the same thing over and over and yet, not sleepy. It's terrible. I can't wait to get back to Hawaii where I'll be on a normal sleeping schedule. If only I could get a Dr. Pepper and some Captain Morgan...hmm...
Granted, today it was suggested that I make use of my insomnia. Apparently, University of Pittsburgh pays big bucks to study people with sleeping disorders. I am desperate for an HVX (or at least am saving up for an HD camera) and could use some big bucks. If I can make money off my insomnia, then it's a win win! So, I think I might sell myself to the University for scientific testing (that sounds so cool and creepy when you put it that way. It's how superheroes are made!)
Until then though, I'll have to suffer through it and deal. It's really a pain though. I just want to sleep and wake up and not be in pain or tired. Can't I just have a good nights sleep? Please? Is it really so much to ask?
Pain is the other part of this that is an irritant. I wake up every morning with an intense amount of pain in my lower back. It's not anything new and I would imagine by now that I would be used to it. I'm not though and it's irritating me. I'm really not sure what to do. It's hard to get tea in the mornings here too. Pretty much, I'm just a crank who shouldn't be bother for the first 4 hours he's awake. Yeah, that makes sense. Take off an hour if I get a back massage. Take off another hour if I get a BIG cup of tea. If it's a small cup...then only take off 30 minutes.
I'm really running off the point here. I'm not sure I had much of a point. Everyone is starting to wind down since it's our last week. Sleep deprivation and morning back pain is taking a toll on me and I'm kind of tired of taking cold showers (sooo cold).
I think I'm coming to terms with not having a project to share with everyone. I mean, I can't expect everyone to be so needy. I don't really understand why I was like that but I'm starting to come to terms with it and realize that maybe, just maybe, people are glad that I am here doing what I can. I might not have an amazing story like some other missionaries, but at least I was here to serve, right?
I think I've been distracted by to much to keep going with this. I lost what I was writing so this will serve as an update. See you in about a week, Hawaii!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Stress (With A Happy Ending)
I won't lie, things have been getting heavy on me lately. We only have 2 more weeks left in the Amazon and I am still not even close to being finished with the project I'm working on. My stress is at a peaking level and I am wondering when I'm going to totally break down and start telling people that life would be better if I were an ant or something while I roll on the floor laughing and crying simultaneously. I'm waiting for the moment when somebody spills a drink and a trigger in my brain goes off that causes me to simply explode in a panic and heavy crying for no real reason other than because I'm so weighed down right now that I couldn't handle it anymore and my brain just went haywire.
More than likely, I'm totally exaggerating here, but I feel heavy. I feel like there is something on top of me and I know I'm the one causing it because I have a poor mentality. I've been working on this project for a while and haven't been able to make much progress for this reason or that. Whatever the reason though, I still blame myself and look at the impossible task of editing this and having it totally done in the next 2 weeks. Could it get done? Yes. Do I imagine it being easy? Not in any way, shape, or form. Will it require numerous sleepless nights and me screaming at walls for no reason, knowing they won't respond back? Probably. Am I going a little nutty? You better believe it!
Although, if I'm able to realize the bit of crazy that has attached itself to me (not that I was ever very normal), am I really that crazy after all? I think my stress is exhausting me and placing me into a state of delirium (which is when I write my best, interestingly enough). It probably doesn't help that I am on a lack of sleep right now too. I barely got any sleep last night. I'll take that into account with the crazy talk above.
For those of you reading this thinking, "well then stop putting such heaviness on yourself and weighing yourself down with this project," it's really not that simple. There is so much more going on here than just me wanting to get this project done, at least inside my own mentality of what this all means down here. See, for me, I can't see my being down here, with all the support that I've been given (thank you all again, I love you and am so grateful for your help) that I simply can't see anything else as acceptable for this outreach.
Basically, my mindset is that I either get this project done or my coming here was a waste of time and money. Is that true? Probably not, but for me, I view it as the utmost important thing. I don't really know why I can't see the good in my just coming down here. Why isn't it enough that I'm simply here to serve the people around me when they need me? Why do I have to have some big elaborate project done and ready to go so that I can show everyone what they helped accomplish? Do I want praise for it? Maybe a bit but I hope that's not it. I think I'm deciding what other peoples expectations are for me. I've made a decision that those who have helped me get here are expecting me to come back with some amazing stories and show them everything we've been doing and it has to be awesome or they won't accept it. It's not enough that I'm simply here to be here and serve.
Or is it? Is it enough that I'm simply just here?
I'm really not looking for praise with this project or anything, I'm looking to help. I want to help. This project means a lot to me and I want it to be something that can bring more help here in the future. It's something that broke my heart when I heard about it. That is all true, but I still have those expectations that I have decided others are expecting for me to present to them.
I still think to myself that, well if I don't have something this great to show, no one is going to be happy they helped me come here because I won't really have anything to show them. I won't have anything to connect them to what has happened, connect them to being down here. I won't have a way to indirectly make them a part of this outreach. They're going to wonder why they bothered even helping me and think it was more of a travel experience and vacation than anything. I am worried that I'll come home and not have this great project or video or story to tell and so everyone will be disappointed and I don't want that to happen.
I know I'm probably only getting myself worked up over something that more than likely won't happen. There are times though when you can't help it and this is one of those times for me. I can't help but think that my time here will be viewed as a waste if I don't have something really awesome for people to grab on to. It could be that such a mentality is there to push me and get things down. I don't know. There's more that goes into this as well besides just what I shared, but everything I wrote has probably the most to do with the stress I'm feeling right now.
This is how things are going right now for me though. Other than this, I mean, I'm good. It's rough but I'm doing what I can to stay positive. It's been raining the past few days. Heavy downpours, supposedly from how hot it's been here lately. We're in the dry season down here so it's clear skies, humidity and an ever growing heat. The rain brought out some animals that I didn't want to see though (snakes) and that has been a bit unpleasant. I only saw two (one big one and then a smaller dead one). I am not a fan of snakes so I wasn't really very happy when I saw them. An 8 1/2 foot Boa was found yesterday on the road to my cabin. Thank God I didn't see it.
I want to give you guys a positive update though, or at least leave you with something good. You went through my rant and my fear of snakes so I will talk about other things that happened this weekend. On Saturday, a large group of us went into the city to experience it some more. We didn't have anything to do there, we just went because we could. So we walked to the bus stop (2 - 3 miles away) and took a bus into the city. We walked around for a while trying to find a place to eat; I was starving. After about an hour of walking, we're finally taken to a small festival/park area where there are dozens of small food vendors lining the park and the street. One of the places had probably one of the best burgers I've ever had. I was so happy. A burger patty with a ton of sausage and bacon on top; it was huge!
For some reason though, this past week I have found myself with a huge craving for chocolate covered bananas. It was really very random but I really wanted them; I still do. After walking around the area a bit, we found a place that had Crepes on a stick. Interesting, I thought and sure enough, they had Banana and Chocolate filled Crepes. It was probably one of the best things I've eaten since getting down here. Not that the food here is bad, but it was really really good. I wish I know how to make them. Talked with some locals on the bus, including a guy who spoke pretty good english. We discussed a Mexican director who's work I love (Guillermo Del Toro - Pan's Labyrinth, Devil's Backbone, Hellboy, etc) and he asked about New York City, as he's going there in a few years. It was nice. It was nice to just get outside of the base and out of the jungle and hang out.
Blessings!
More than likely, I'm totally exaggerating here, but I feel heavy. I feel like there is something on top of me and I know I'm the one causing it because I have a poor mentality. I've been working on this project for a while and haven't been able to make much progress for this reason or that. Whatever the reason though, I still blame myself and look at the impossible task of editing this and having it totally done in the next 2 weeks. Could it get done? Yes. Do I imagine it being easy? Not in any way, shape, or form. Will it require numerous sleepless nights and me screaming at walls for no reason, knowing they won't respond back? Probably. Am I going a little nutty? You better believe it!
Although, if I'm able to realize the bit of crazy that has attached itself to me (not that I was ever very normal), am I really that crazy after all? I think my stress is exhausting me and placing me into a state of delirium (which is when I write my best, interestingly enough). It probably doesn't help that I am on a lack of sleep right now too. I barely got any sleep last night. I'll take that into account with the crazy talk above.
For those of you reading this thinking, "well then stop putting such heaviness on yourself and weighing yourself down with this project," it's really not that simple. There is so much more going on here than just me wanting to get this project done, at least inside my own mentality of what this all means down here. See, for me, I can't see my being down here, with all the support that I've been given (thank you all again, I love you and am so grateful for your help) that I simply can't see anything else as acceptable for this outreach.
Basically, my mindset is that I either get this project done or my coming here was a waste of time and money. Is that true? Probably not, but for me, I view it as the utmost important thing. I don't really know why I can't see the good in my just coming down here. Why isn't it enough that I'm simply here to serve the people around me when they need me? Why do I have to have some big elaborate project done and ready to go so that I can show everyone what they helped accomplish? Do I want praise for it? Maybe a bit but I hope that's not it. I think I'm deciding what other peoples expectations are for me. I've made a decision that those who have helped me get here are expecting me to come back with some amazing stories and show them everything we've been doing and it has to be awesome or they won't accept it. It's not enough that I'm simply here to be here and serve.
Or is it? Is it enough that I'm simply just here?
I'm really not looking for praise with this project or anything, I'm looking to help. I want to help. This project means a lot to me and I want it to be something that can bring more help here in the future. It's something that broke my heart when I heard about it. That is all true, but I still have those expectations that I have decided others are expecting for me to present to them.
I still think to myself that, well if I don't have something this great to show, no one is going to be happy they helped me come here because I won't really have anything to show them. I won't have anything to connect them to what has happened, connect them to being down here. I won't have a way to indirectly make them a part of this outreach. They're going to wonder why they bothered even helping me and think it was more of a travel experience and vacation than anything. I am worried that I'll come home and not have this great project or video or story to tell and so everyone will be disappointed and I don't want that to happen.
I know I'm probably only getting myself worked up over something that more than likely won't happen. There are times though when you can't help it and this is one of those times for me. I can't help but think that my time here will be viewed as a waste if I don't have something really awesome for people to grab on to. It could be that such a mentality is there to push me and get things down. I don't know. There's more that goes into this as well besides just what I shared, but everything I wrote has probably the most to do with the stress I'm feeling right now.
This is how things are going right now for me though. Other than this, I mean, I'm good. It's rough but I'm doing what I can to stay positive. It's been raining the past few days. Heavy downpours, supposedly from how hot it's been here lately. We're in the dry season down here so it's clear skies, humidity and an ever growing heat. The rain brought out some animals that I didn't want to see though (snakes) and that has been a bit unpleasant. I only saw two (one big one and then a smaller dead one). I am not a fan of snakes so I wasn't really very happy when I saw them. An 8 1/2 foot Boa was found yesterday on the road to my cabin. Thank God I didn't see it.
I want to give you guys a positive update though, or at least leave you with something good. You went through my rant and my fear of snakes so I will talk about other things that happened this weekend. On Saturday, a large group of us went into the city to experience it some more. We didn't have anything to do there, we just went because we could. So we walked to the bus stop (2 - 3 miles away) and took a bus into the city. We walked around for a while trying to find a place to eat; I was starving. After about an hour of walking, we're finally taken to a small festival/park area where there are dozens of small food vendors lining the park and the street. One of the places had probably one of the best burgers I've ever had. I was so happy. A burger patty with a ton of sausage and bacon on top; it was huge!
For some reason though, this past week I have found myself with a huge craving for chocolate covered bananas. It was really very random but I really wanted them; I still do. After walking around the area a bit, we found a place that had Crepes on a stick. Interesting, I thought and sure enough, they had Banana and Chocolate filled Crepes. It was probably one of the best things I've eaten since getting down here. Not that the food here is bad, but it was really really good. I wish I know how to make them. Talked with some locals on the bus, including a guy who spoke pretty good english. We discussed a Mexican director who's work I love (Guillermo Del Toro - Pan's Labyrinth, Devil's Backbone, Hellboy, etc) and he asked about New York City, as he's going there in a few years. It was nice. It was nice to just get outside of the base and out of the jungle and hang out.
Blessings!
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Monkeys
I saw monkeys the other day. Finally. It was very cool. They were jumping through the trees. A whole family of them. So let's see, since getting to Brazil I've seen: Tarantula, Iguana, Strange Birds, and now Monkeys. All that's left that I want to see are Alligators and Jaguars and I've seen the animals I wanted to see. Hopefully when we go into the jungle to explore on our day off, we'll see some more stuff.
I'll hopefully be able to post some newer pictures soon. This is all I really have for an update thus far though. We're going into town to do some stuff that I may write about later. There are things that have been happening, I just don't really have the time to write about it right now.
So enjoy my shortest post ever!
I'll hopefully be able to post some newer pictures soon. This is all I really have for an update thus far though. We're going into town to do some stuff that I may write about later. There are things that have been happening, I just don't really have the time to write about it right now.
So enjoy my shortest post ever!
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