Observational Update

I haven't written in a while. I haven't felt completely inspired to write, but I feel I should at least update you guys on what's going on (since that's why I started this in the first place). So the last time I updated on here, I was still in Brazil, only days away from leaving. I wasn't very happy with certain people I was on mission with either at the time. Since then, that issue has been resolved and everything is fine again.

I also had written about a project that I really cared about falling through. Sadly, it did fall through completely. I was very down about it but was given a second opportunity for a video. The school on the YWAM base has no teachers. Those who have taken on the responsibilities of teaching are full-time missionaries and parents (which means they really don't have the time to be doing this). It's so much more work for them than they really should be taking on and it's hard to handle sometimes as 1 woman is teaching 4 different grade levels everyday! That would get pretty stressful. Well, I was asked to do a promotional video for them (3 days before we left - due in 2 days) with interviews and footage showing the children and school and asking for teachers to please come and commit some time to teaching at the school in Brazil.

I hope to have this video up on my filmmaker's myspace soon. It turned out really well and was a great encouragement to me. I really am happy with how it turned out and what it will hopefully accomplish for this base. There was a lot of complaining, including and especially by myself, that we did nothing but stay on the base. I had a very hard time understanding why we were there. I wanted to go into town and play with the street kids and help those suffering in slavery by documenting it and getting a non-profit from the US or UK involved in helping free them. None of that happened though. We didn't leave the base. We didn't go anywhere. We stayed on the base.

But does that mean I didn't do anything or do anything worthwhile while I was there? In the moment, and I know a lot of those who were there with me will agree, that it felt like we weren't doing anything. It felt like a wasted trip. Looking back though, was it really? Why does an outreach have to always be about saving this many people and preaching to this many people and all that? Why are our minds so hung up on this? I don't even like street evangelism and didn't want to do it (that's just not how I am. I feel convicted about it, for me - not saying it's wrong, I just can't do it). So why so hung up? I guess I built up to many expectations for what outreach would be like and when it wasn't the way my mind thought it would be, I was disappointed.

But what about servanthood? What about serving those who need it, including Christians? Why do we assume that since we're on a missionary base, that by being there, we're not helping? Why'd I do that? Why'd I think that? Looking back, I can see now how we were there for those people, for the other missionaries who live in Brazil. Not just with the promotional videos we made for the base to help the base, but even working in the kitchen when they needed us to, playing volleyball and hanging out with them, playing with their kids (cutest kids). Why aren't those helping? Why isn't encouragement considered serving?

I look back now and, while I would still probably change aspects of the outreach, I can't actually say it was a waste. If even one of the videos we did helps that base, then isn't that fully worth it? If one child there was very happy that we came and found so much joy in playing with us, if the burden in the kitchen was lessened because of us working in there, well isn't that what it's all about? Did we do good there after all?

Yeah, just not how we thought.

Now, I'm on my second week back in Hawaii (comin' home to Pittsburgh on Monday) and have been working pretty much since I got back. I am now staff here for The Redemption Project, which was started partially by a friend of mine from back in Pittsburgh, who was out here working with YWAM (and helped convince me to come to YWAM). So, being staff now (which is unpaid - missionaries don't get paid), I've had a lot of work to do.

Right now, a lot of different seminars and conferences are taking place in YWAM Kona. The leader I work under in the Redemption Project, Luke, was Kona's coordinator for the Government Strategy Conference here. Since I'm the only other Redemption Project staff here, I have been helping him with preparing for those who would be attending. I slaved over my computer making a booket with the information for the weekend, Networking Platform, and stories from speakers experiences. It turned out very nice though.

On Monday night, I fly out of Kona and arrive in Pittsburgh on Tuesday night. So that is a slight update for what I've been doing lately. Hope to see most of you during my visit to Pittsburgh!

If you want good music - listen to Rocky Votolato. It'll change your life (acoustic folk. Amazing)

The Audacity Of People

It amazes me how absolute selfish we can be as a race. Humans are so blind to the fact that they don't have a clue. Especially over privileged rich boys who piss and moan when they don't get their way.

Don't get me wrong, I have my own problems and piss and moan about plenty. I mean, hell, I have a blog! Read my posts, I do it often. I hope though, that I am not so careless and so ignorant to a situation that I created, which due to circumstances have emotionally hurt another person, that I completely ignore everything around me and go about my business like things are nice and jolly. No, I'm hoping I'm not that heartless and inconsiderate of others.

Maybe being on this mission trip has actually been more helpful than I thought. I know that one of the things I've often found myself thinking is - "well, now I know how not to act." I guess that's something good to learn, right? Really though, it truly boggles my mind how people can be so careless and be so focused on themselves that they see the wrongs they have done and simply something along the lines of,

"Woops, my bad! Now get over it, thanks!"

In classic fashion, what is one to do? That's what I was asked when I maybe slipped in my temper expressing his need to shut up about the situation, upon which he asked me, "what was I to do? I said sorry!"

Sometimes, especially when you make someone cry and then are completely rude to them after the fact just so you can watch your damn movie, SOMETIMES sorry just doesn't cut it! Sometimes, action is in order. Talk to the person, express that you didn't know what you were doing was a bad thing (as the actual act that I am writing about was a bit of a misunderstanding and even I was surprised at the outcome) but the response of the person responsible just shows the nature of man. This terrible nature that infuriates me so much, only begs another question I constantly find myself asking, is there anyone left I can trust? Is there anyone left who isn't completely self-absorbed? Someone that can care for someone else more than they care about watching a bad online copy of Tropic Thunder?

I hope so but that hope seems to fade more than it grows. It only seems that "I" matter to myself and no one else matters but me anymore. I can't even count the number of things I've done to try and be kind and generous to people who act this way, including who this blog is about, only to be met with more ridicule and a feeling of being used. Yet, I keep persisting to help them and honestly, probably would help this very person tomorrow if they needed it. Why do I do that? Am I just weak or do I actually believe that there actually can be some amount of good in every person, and it's just a matter of time before they realize their own potential?

I wonder what Jesus felt like when he was around Judas Iscariot. I don't think there is a verse in the Bible that says anything along the lines of Jesus being wary and cautious of Judas. He invited him and chose him to be among his 12, his group that he was closest with, even though he knew that Judas was going to betray him and sell him into the hands of his killers. What would we do if we were put in that situation? How would you respond if you were given knowledge of the future and could know the person who would later betray you in such a way, even a way that would lead to your death? What would you do?

I would avoid them at all costs most likely. I wouldn't want to deal with the pain that person's betrayal would put me through. I would rather just not know them, regardless of the insights they may have been able to give me during our time. I really don't think I would be able to handle being around that person if we were in contact. If they were apart of the group that I even hung out with, brought in from a friend, I'd be cautious around them and not let them get close to me - but that's not at all what Jesus did and he knew that this person would be key in leading him to his death.

And he loved him. I think that's what gets me the most. If you look into what I believe of love, a central point of that belief is that love is an action and I think that Jesus was a man more full of love than anyone else. He loved him. He knew all his dark secrets and knew his future and what would happen but it didn't matter because in the moment, Jesus loved him would of done anything for him.

As an act of servitude (something I've only done with a few people close to me who were on the 2nd Hot Metal Bridge mission trip to Mississippi) Jesus even washed his feet. He didn't say to him, "well, you're not the best of friends and I'd really rather not" or anything like that. He humbled himself and washed his betrayers feet. Would I be willing to wash this person's feet? How about any of the other people in my past who have hurt me?

What about the people I've hurt? How many times have I been a Judas? Maybe not necessarily to the extent of some but what about other ways that I've been a Judas? Will anyone accept me? Love me? Wash my feet?

Well...maybe after my time in Brazil wouldn't be the best time to wash my feet as I've worn sandles the whole time and my feet, though washed, still resemble the dirt on the roads we walk.

That's a bit off point though. I guess when it comes to my betrayers, I need to realize that I'm no better than them as every person, in their own way, has a little bit of Judas in them. That doesn't mean that we should stand by and let a rude remark, a complete disregard for another human being or even the exteme Judas' injustices go on unanswered. The Judas here won't respond to the confrontations of anyone, including our leader, as anything less than us blowing up a situation that's simple and everyone should get over it (since he doesn't care and doesn't want to feel bad, then we shouldn't care and he shouldn't have to feel bad. Right?) Not all of us are very good with confrontation though, and that's when we can still do something for those who have been hurt and showing them that we care.

I hope that anyone that I have hurt that is reading this will know that any harm done was unintentional. I know the pain that others can inflict and wouldn't wish that on another person. To those who are hurting, I hope that someone will come to your side, no matter how much pain you've been put in.

And I hope we will realize that all human beings were created equal and maybe, just maybe, that means that there's good somewhere inside us all. In some, it may just be deeper than others. I think I've said all I need to say. Thank you for reading.

Insomnia (And How Much It Sucks!)

The title's are similar cause I'm going to pick up on some things I discussed in the last one. First though, we should all be able to respect how awesome New Found Glory is and how excited I am that tickets to the show next month (while I'm home) are only $16. Someone should buy them for me. It would make me SO happy cause then I could see the perfect pop-punk/hardcore show of the year. You don't have to though, just thought I would throw that out there. Anyways...

Things are still rough. Sadly, as I was talking about before, my project that was having trouble is now defunct and dead. It was canceled due to some interview problems. Apparently, no one actually felt like answering my questions but decided to just talk about whatever they wanted, therefore giving me 3 different interviews about 3 different things. Needless to say, I couldn't really make a story out that and had to sadly pull the plug on the project. There is a glimmer of hope left in the good interview I did get though, so we'll see what happens with that. With that gone though, I'm now out of a project and don't really have to much to do. The days are long and I'm a bit burnt out from the daily routine and the lack of sleep.

Sleep. What a concept. They say that when you sleep, your bodies at rest. I wouldn't know what sleep felt like if I tried my best. I swear, I lay in bed every night and it takes me longer and longer to fall asleep. I checked the other night. I had laid in bed for over 4 hours trying to fall asleep and still I stayed awake. I am reading through the old testament right now (deuteronomy) and even THAT isn't helping me sleep. It's so repetitive and gets boring when you read the same thing over and over and yet, not sleepy. It's terrible. I can't wait to get back to Hawaii where I'll be on a normal sleeping schedule. If only I could get a Dr. Pepper and some Captain Morgan...hmm...

Granted, today it was suggested that I make use of my insomnia. Apparently, University of Pittsburgh pays big bucks to study people with sleeping disorders. I am desperate for an HVX (or at least am saving up for an HD camera) and could use some big bucks. If I can make money off my insomnia, then it's a win win! So, I think I might sell myself to the University for scientific testing (that sounds so cool and creepy when you put it that way. It's how superheroes are made!)

Until then though, I'll have to suffer through it and deal. It's really a pain though. I just want to sleep and wake up and not be in pain or tired. Can't I just have a good nights sleep? Please? Is it really so much to ask?

Pain is the other part of this that is an irritant. I wake up every morning with an intense amount of pain in my lower back. It's not anything new and I would imagine by now that I would be used to it. I'm not though and it's irritating me. I'm really not sure what to do. It's hard to get tea in the mornings here too. Pretty much, I'm just a crank who shouldn't be bother for the first 4 hours he's awake. Yeah, that makes sense. Take off an hour if I get a back massage. Take off another hour if I get a BIG cup of tea. If it's a small cup...then only take off 30 minutes.

I'm really running off the point here. I'm not sure I had much of a point. Everyone is starting to wind down since it's our last week. Sleep deprivation and morning back pain is taking a toll on me and I'm kind of tired of taking cold showers (sooo cold).

I think I'm coming to terms with not having a project to share with everyone. I mean, I can't expect everyone to be so needy. I don't really understand why I was like that but I'm starting to come to terms with it and realize that maybe, just maybe, people are glad that I am here doing what I can. I might not have an amazing story like some other missionaries, but at least I was here to serve, right?

I think I've been distracted by to much to keep going with this. I lost what I was writing so this will serve as an update. See you in about a week, Hawaii!

Stress (With A Happy Ending)

I won't lie, things have been getting heavy on me lately. We only have 2 more weeks left in the Amazon and I am still not even close to being finished with the project I'm working on. My stress is at a peaking level and I am wondering when I'm going to totally break down and start telling people that life would be better if I were an ant or something while I roll on the floor laughing and crying simultaneously. I'm waiting for the moment when somebody spills a drink and a trigger in my brain goes off that causes me to simply explode in a panic and heavy crying for no real reason other than because I'm so weighed down right now that I couldn't handle it anymore and my brain just went haywire.

More than likely, I'm totally exaggerating here, but I feel heavy. I feel like there is something on top of me and I know I'm the one causing it because I have a poor mentality. I've been working on this project for a while and haven't been able to make much progress for this reason or that. Whatever the reason though, I still blame myself and look at the impossible task of editing this and having it totally done in the next 2 weeks. Could it get done? Yes. Do I imagine it being easy? Not in any way, shape, or form. Will it require numerous sleepless nights and me screaming at walls for no reason, knowing they won't respond back? Probably. Am I going a little nutty? You better believe it!

Although, if I'm able to realize the bit of crazy that has attached itself to me (not that I was ever very normal), am I really that crazy after all? I think my stress is exhausting me and placing me into a state of delirium (which is when I write my best, interestingly enough). It probably doesn't help that I am on a lack of sleep right now too. I barely got any sleep last night. I'll take that into account with the crazy talk above.

For those of you reading this thinking, "well then stop putting such heaviness on yourself and weighing yourself down with this project," it's really not that simple. There is so much more going on here than just me wanting to get this project done, at least inside my own mentality of what this all means down here. See, for me, I can't see my being down here, with all the support that I've been given (thank you all again, I love you and am so grateful for your help) that I simply can't see anything else as acceptable for this outreach.

Basically, my mindset is that I either get this project done or my coming here was a waste of time and money. Is that true? Probably not, but for me, I view it as the utmost important thing. I don't really know why I can't see the good in my just coming down here. Why isn't it enough that I'm simply here to serve the people around me when they need me? Why do I have to have some big elaborate project done and ready to go so that I can show everyone what they helped accomplish? Do I want praise for it? Maybe a bit but I hope that's not it. I think I'm deciding what other peoples expectations are for me. I've made a decision that those who have helped me get here are expecting me to come back with some amazing stories and show them everything we've been doing and it has to be awesome or they won't accept it. It's not enough that I'm simply here to be here and serve.

Or is it? Is it enough that I'm simply just here?

I'm really not looking for praise with this project or anything, I'm looking to help. I want to help. This project means a lot to me and I want it to be something that can bring more help here in the future. It's something that broke my heart when I heard about it. That is all true, but I still have those expectations that I have decided others are expecting for me to present to them.

I still think to myself that, well if I don't have something this great to show, no one is going to be happy they helped me come here because I won't really have anything to show them. I won't have anything to connect them to what has happened, connect them to being down here. I won't have a way to indirectly make them a part of this outreach. They're going to wonder why they bothered even helping me and think it was more of a travel experience and vacation than anything. I am worried that I'll come home and not have this great project or video or story to tell and so everyone will be disappointed and I don't want that to happen.

I know I'm probably only getting myself worked up over something that more than likely won't happen. There are times though when you can't help it and this is one of those times for me. I can't help but think that my time here will be viewed as a waste if I don't have something really awesome for people to grab on to. It could be that such a mentality is there to push me and get things down. I don't know. There's more that goes into this as well besides just what I shared, but everything I wrote has probably the most to do with the stress I'm feeling right now.

This is how things are going right now for me though. Other than this, I mean, I'm good. It's rough but I'm doing what I can to stay positive. It's been raining the past few days. Heavy downpours, supposedly from how hot it's been here lately. We're in the dry season down here so it's clear skies, humidity and an ever growing heat. The rain brought out some animals that I didn't want to see though (snakes) and that has been a bit unpleasant. I only saw two (one big one and then a smaller dead one). I am not a fan of snakes so I wasn't really very happy when I saw them. An 8 1/2 foot Boa was found yesterday on the road to my cabin. Thank God I didn't see it.

I want to give you guys a positive update though, or at least leave you with something good. You went through my rant and my fear of snakes so I will talk about other things that happened this weekend. On Saturday, a large group of us went into the city to experience it some more. We didn't have anything to do there, we just went because we could. So we walked to the bus stop (2 - 3 miles away) and took a bus into the city. We walked around for a while trying to find a place to eat; I was starving. After about an hour of walking, we're finally taken to a small festival/park area where there are dozens of small food vendors lining the park and the street. One of the places had probably one of the best burgers I've ever had. I was so happy. A burger patty with a ton of sausage and bacon on top; it was huge!

For some reason though, this past week I have found myself with a huge craving for chocolate covered bananas. It was really very random but I really wanted them; I still do. After walking around the area a bit, we found a place that had Crepes on a stick. Interesting, I thought and sure enough, they had Banana and Chocolate filled Crepes. It was probably one of the best things I've eaten since getting down here. Not that the food here is bad, but it was really really good. I wish I know how to make them. Talked with some locals on the bus, including a guy who spoke pretty good english. We discussed a Mexican director who's work I love (Guillermo Del Toro - Pan's Labyrinth, Devil's Backbone, Hellboy, etc) and he asked about New York City, as he's going there in a few years. It was nice. It was nice to just get outside of the base and out of the jungle and hang out.

Blessings!

Monkeys

I saw monkeys the other day. Finally. It was very cool. They were jumping through the trees. A whole family of them. So let's see, since getting to Brazil I've seen: Tarantula, Iguana, Strange Birds, and now Monkeys. All that's left that I want to see are Alligators and Jaguars and I've seen the animals I wanted to see. Hopefully when we go into the jungle to explore on our day off, we'll see some more stuff.

I'll hopefully be able to post some newer pictures soon. This is all I really have for an update thus far though. We're going into town to do some stuff that I may write about later. There are things that have been happening, I just don't really have the time to write about it right now.

So enjoy my shortest post ever!

Decisions

So it's 1:40am and I think my insomnia is returning. I'm not really that tired...maybe a little bit, but I'm going to write anyways because I can. Cool. Glad we got that out of the way.

First things first...Brazil update - I've just been doing some work, getting prepared for some stuff that we have coming up. I'm supposed to be going into town tomorrow, which will be really good. I'll be talking with some locals and getting stories from them. If you want to know more about it, get in touch with me through the internet or just talk to me when I see you next. Something really cool that happened the other day though - I saw some monkeys. That was cool. They were jumping through the trees, a whole bunch of them. Very cool.

Now on to the essay...

So, I think it's interesting talking to people about a fear of the future and regret. I remember when these things used to consume me. They were, often times, the only things I could think about - regretting what I've done in my past, worrying about how it would affect my future, wondering if I would ever get a good job, a good wife, do something I was really proud of, whether I would become someone who simply forgot about their dreams and died on the inside or if I would seek out my dreams with everything I could...but in this, would I jeopardize anyone by putting anything on them (like school fees getting dumped on my parents cause I wanted to tour???) and the list could really go on. I don't know that I could honestly pinpoint the exact moment when this wasn't the only thing clogging my brain, but over time, I started to see things in a new light.

There were always two choices. Most people still think their are only two choices. You have the correct choice, the one that we are supposed to choose; the path that we are meant to be walking down. On the other side of this we have the wrong choice, the one we chose out of selfishness and ignorance, the path that we weren't meant to go down, people who voted for Bush, and all that sort of stuff (Okay - before you call the lynch mob to come tar & feather me, I was just kidding. It's a joke...if you know me, I could care less about your political affiliation, so just accept it as a joke and move on. Thanks) so we have two choices. Right? What if I proposed there were more? What if we could have more choices to choose from and whichever choice we made couldn't be wrong?

My faith is important to me. Right off the bat, that's just how it is and that's who I am. I've had a strong belief in God for a long time and really strive to follow him in all that I do. Do I fail? Absolutely. Have I hurt people along the way? More than I'd like to say (if you are reading this and you are one of them, please know that I really am very sorry for whatever I did. If I can make it up to you, let me know. I would hate for there to be any bitterness between us because I'm an idiot. Please forgive me.) Regardless of all that though, I am thankful for the love God has shown me and the patience (oh, how patient God is. Thank ... well... God for his patience) that he continues to show me as I continue to distort and take apart all that he has made.

Following the words of Paul the Apostle in the book of Romans (I believe), I want to do good but do just the opposite. And for me, I'm pretty good and doing the opposite. It still comes down to my faith though and the grace that I've been shown. I'm no different than any person, alive or dead - no better and no worse. ALL are created equal, and I believe that. So - with all that being said, I really have a strong belief in God. My faith is incredibly important to me. Forgive me please for sometimes distorting the truth of God.

So what does any of that have to do with the choices I was talking about before? Well, in order to understand what I believe about the choices, you need to understand my faith and the only way for me to do that was to just put it out there and tell you. Now when I'm talking about this, I'm talking about non-destructive decisions. Decisions that, to us, seem like a right and a wrong thing, but to others, each choice seems like a good idea. Our futures are the best example to go off of. Which University? What should I do for a job? Should I go to YWAM or work for Invisible Children (this was mine...)?

I really hope I'm making sense. Delirium could be setting in and I could just be rambling. I hope not. Here goes...

So now that you understand that my beliefs are important to me, I think I can explain my belief in the choices. So how can you make a choice about what you doing and it not be wrong? I think that when you are seeking God with all your heart, whatever decision you make will ultimately be right. Here's what I'm getting at...

So, you are seeking God with all your heart and you come to an area in your life where you need to figure out what to do next. We can spend too much time debating what this will look like, but the ultimate understanding in all of this is that you love God and are truly seeking to follow his will. So, in front of you, God puts 4 paths that you can choose from and tells you to pick your path and that none of those choices will be the wrong path. If you are like me though, you would probably sit there and think of every scenario in every way possible so that you can come up with the best solution, the right choice (even though it's already been established that there is no wrong choice.) This is where logic comes in and we assume that we could never do this or that choice because we don't have that much money to do this or we don't have enough experience to ever achieve that. We bog ourselves down by letting our (poor) logic take place and decide what we can and can't do.

For me, I had some different options after graduating from the Art Institute. The two biggest ones that stuck at 1 and 2 till I finally made my choice were to go to YWAM or to work full time for Invisible Children and be a roadie/office assistant/whatever they told me to do. So there are my two choices. I really was prepared for both, but actually starting leaning more towards Invisible Children and getting everything together I needed to send them so that I might be accepted as an Intern/Roadie. I changed my mind in this process however and chose to go to YWAM instead. YWAM seemed like a choice I might not ever get the chance to do again, while with Invisible Children, I could still help them from where I was. I didn't have to stop volunteering just cause I wasn't going to San Diego. I could keep promoting them, doing rallies and events and screenings for them, and not really stop anything I was doing already in Pittsburgh.

So I chose YWAM and went to Hawaii for my training school and now I'm in Brazil doing work. Pretty freakin' sweet, yeah? God has definitely blessed me with my decision - but I think God would have honored and blessed a decision to go to San Diego and work for IC just as much. I don't think either one was the right or wrong decision. I was seeking after God, wanting to get closer to him and help people also. Both of these gave me that chance, but I think because I was seeking after him, that either way, I didn't make the wrong choice. Things would be different, most definitely. The blessings would be different, circumstances, tribulations...a lot would be different, but I think God would still have blessed me.

So now we come back to the 4 paths. We are fully seeking after God and we have a few different options to chose from. So which do we chose? God said none of them were the wrong way to go because all are things we want to do and paths of things we can enjoy. So, we evaluate our options and choose the one we feel the best with. And no matter what, it's the right decision because it all comes back to our hearts. We are seeking God and striving to get closer to him, no matter which choice we make. If we are following, he will lead - so how can we make a wrong choice here? If we are following after God, when we make our choice, he's going to see our hearts and motivations and he will honor us...because we are seeking him.

NOW - This is NOT meant to be taken literally. This is meant to make you think. I'm not saying there's no right or wrong, but I want you to take this for what it means to you. For me, thinking about this kind of thing helped me follow and pursue my dreams. This is something I think everyone should do. Too often we try to tell ourselves and even get told by others that our dreams can't happen, they're to unrealistic and I say that such talk is absurd. Listen to your heart and follow your dreams.

That's what this story, this analogy, means to me. It helped me to realize that God knows me and sees my heart. He knows that I'm seeking him and, though I make mistakes, still desire a closer relationship. I desired that before I chose YWAM as my current future, and I really believe he would have honored me just as much if I went to IC. I don't regret my decision (though sometimes I do wonder what it would be like to be at IC and hope to still do a tour with them one day...) It is also kind of along the lines of something that St. Augustine said.

"Ama Deum et fac quod vis"
which is Latin for
"Love God and do what you want."

Love God and do what you want? How does that work?

It does.

I think this statement is profound and beautiful and deep on so many different levels. It may be my favorite quote. St. Augustine does explain this a bit but I'm going to paraphrase it and how what it's meant to me. We aren't going by a western standard of love in this quote, but the actuality of love as it's described in the Bible. A love that is giving and thinking of the other instead of ourselves. Thinking of love as an action. So if we love God, then we're doing things for him, which means our decisions and morals are going to be influenced by our belief in God and what he says. By loving God, we're aligning our heart with his. So to do what we want is to do what he wants. To love God and what you want doesn't mean that we can say we love God but go and do everything our flesh desires, but that by loving God, the things we want are the things he wants! And that's how it fits in this story of the paths. That, regardless of the number of choices we get thrown our way, when we are seeking God, we want what he wants and he will honor us and lead us down the path that will be most suited for us. It's still our choice though (and now theological confusion ensues as we could start to circle the past 2 sentences for hours and hours).

Some of you might actually be sitting there reading this, wondering if what I was getting to finally was that God will lead us down the path he deems right for us, then why the other paths? Did I do all of this just so I could write a really big post and confuse all of you? Well...yes. I rather enjoy both of those. Haha. Truth is though, that we're never given one path in life. We will always have to make decisions and choices, and a lot of those are going to be decisions that, no matter what our choice is, it's a positive and helpful choice. In choosing a college or university, you may get accepted to 4 of the schools you most want to go to. Each school has amazing academics for you to get involved so none of them are a bad choice for you. But you have to choose one. That's why I place the 4 paths.

You have to realize that this story was meant for me. This story helped me look deeper into the heart of God. I analyze and think of weird things like this to try and get a deeper understanding of the grace that God has shown us all. I share this in hopes that you will do the same and not feel so bogged down by whatever decisions lie in front of you (this only applies to constructive decisions, NOT to destructive ones like doing drugs or not. Obviously the destructive decision isn't good. It's destructive. So I'm in no way condoning destructive behavior and saying God will honor that...) But yeah, I'm hoping this helps any who read it. Even if it helps one person, it was worth staying up till 2:30am and writing.

Thank you for reading. Blessings.

Finding God In The Eyes Of A Dog

Brazil is a unique and different place to be, especially having grown up in the states. There are the obvious differences, like how it’s 90 degrees but somehow the middle of winter (which is actually kind of cool – but to hot.) There’s also that whole, rain forest thing, that’s kind of cool too. And monkeys. I haven’t seen them but these people swear they’re here. You can usually hear them; just never see them. Why do the monkeys elude me!? I don’t like it. I want to see one. There are also the stars.

The stars here are incredible. You might be able to get this kind of sight in the boons of Kansas where the closest city is 100 miles from your shanty shack. I grew up in the country in Pennsylvania and even the sight of the sky there doesn’t compare. It was still somewhat polluted by the lights of the cities that were miles away. Even when you find seclusion from cities, it seems like you can’t get anywhere in America around where I live that’s far enough away from city lights to really experience the stars.

Last night, I thought I could hear the stars sing. It was really beautiful. Almost every night that I walk back to my cabin, I stare off into space and am just amazed at how it all looks. I simply began to sing the end of a song that I’ve been trying to write since Kona, a really beautiful song that I hope to record someday. But I just sang it and stared at the sky in awe.

Walking in the pitch black, with a light pole every 60+ feet or so that is dim anyways is intimidating but rewarding all at the same time. As I was walking to my cabin, I got to where I was about 20 feet from the door and in the distance; I saw a dog just sitting outside. I’ve seen this dog a number of times. It belongs to one of the staff living on the base. It recently had babies too. Very nice dog. It was just sitting there in the middle of the dirt road that runs around the base here. So I called it over. Without hesitation, this dog jumped to its feet and was at mine in seconds. It laid on it’s back and looked up at me saying, “rub my belly!” So I leaned down and began to pet the dog while I was still signing that song.

Then I made eye contact.

The dog and I just stared into each other’s eyes and the words; “hallelujah” quickly fell from my lips. Such a kind and beautiful dog. The moment made me smile and I really forgot about what else was going on with me, and just sat there, petting this dog and enjoying being lost in the moment.

Those moments are really wonderful, aren’t they? This little dog was able to bring a smile to my face by just wanting to be loved by me. Such a small thing, yet such a big thing at the same time. I don’t entirely know what was going through my head at the time. Maybe I was missing my dogs back home. Maybe it was nice to have something really want to be near me that much, or maybe it was something completely different.

Maybe, just maybe, that was God’s way of saying, “I’m happy with you.”

Of course, many can scoff and say that it was just a dog that wanted to be pet because it was lonely sitting outside and other’s can debate on how I can compare the acceptance of God with a dog that just wants to be pet, but you weren’t there. You didn’t experience what I experienced. It was something so small, and something so big all at the same time. Honestly, if I was on the reading end of this, I would probably be scoffing at it to, but I don’t think I had smiled like that, with real emotion in that smile, in a very long time. Not without help from a joke or funny movie or something. I was very content in this moment though. It was a comforting moment. Such a sweet dog.

Is this the kind of stuff we really live for? Is this the kind of event that God rejoices over? The small things that, to most, go overlooked and abandoned in thought and memory, but to some, have such depth and meaning that they’ve been looking for? I think that happened just at the right time for me. I was looking for it, praying for it, hoping for something like that to happen. When you go through a course that teaches on getting closer to God and yet still feel like God is somewhere off in the distance, moments like this are needed. Moments like that are the ones that say, “Look around, I’ve been here the whole time.”

That doesn’t mean that I won’t find myself wondering where God is again at some point. More than likely, I will. It won’t stop me from obeying and following though because truth is; I know that I’m just selfish and that God is there with me anyways. Sometimes, you just need a small reminder.

I really hope that I can take this moment for what it’s shown me though. Hopefully some of you can take it for what it was too. There are so many big things in life that are intimidating and frightening when you look at the big picture of it all. The future (which I’ve been worried about) and what will happen to us. Where we’ll go after this and what will happen a few years down the road. Will I have a job that I like and can pay off my school fees? Will I still stand up for the things I believe in? Will I find someone to love me for who I am? Will I still have my friends or will we have all moved on and lost touch? Does anyone else worry about these things or am I alone? Will I achieve my dreams?

There’s so much to worry about. I know because I do it all the time. I worry about the things above constantly, which I hate because at the same time, I could care less about some of these things. Why am I worried about my future? Is it because someday I want to have a family? Is it because my school loans are going to have to start being paid off while I’m still doing missionary work? Probably…that last one is scary to think about. My lack of funds is not helping me to feel very secure in a situation where I’m going to have to start paying off a few tens of thousands of dollars. I would love to keep doing what I am doing though. I have so much I still want to do after this. I don’t really want to just settle down and get a job. I want to go on tour again, this time, a long tour. Not some 2-week ordeal that starts and then is almost immediately over. I want to be on the road for a long time, living off of whatever we have and whatever kindness we find in people along the way. I also want to use touring as a platform to launch some ideas that I have. I want to serve the non-profits I believe in more, especially Invisible Children.

I guess it finally just comes to something rather simple. I want to fulfill and accomplish my dreams. I want to tell my kids and grandkids to chase their dreams someday, but not out of ignorance that most of us have been given through out the years. An ignorance that tells us to do it but has already concluded that we won’t succeed because we are so bogged down in this society by what we deem success and our dreams are usually what some would say are unrealistic. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be real. I want to tell them to chase their dreams and support them because my parents and grandparents supported me as I did the same thing and fulfilled my own dreams. I want to live the example that I’m telling them to go after. I want to have stories about my triumphs and my failures, but I’m okay with it because I still tried. I don’t just want to sit back, settle into an unfulfilled life that simply follows routine and slowly fade away into a hidden slavery. I want to live.

So what does any of what I just said have to do with wanting to hear the stars sing and petting this dog? If you’re wondering that, then you haven’t been paying attention. It has everything to do with this, because it was in that moment that these worries that have been weighing me down were finally lifted from me. Even now, I’m not worried about them. Having those worries fade, even for just a mere second, was worth it to me. I felt free. I felt alive. When I looked into that dog’s eyes, I looked into my own. Laugh all you want at that statement, but I saw a creature that is simply looking for it’s place and looking for love at the same time. Am I any different by what I expressed above? No, not really.

It took me about 4 tries to get away from this dog so I could go to bed. If I got up and started to walk away, it would run in front of me and lay down at my feet. It was cute. While I could have gotten upset, I didn’t. I thought it was really wonderful how much this dog just wanted my company and attention, and each time it made me smile a little more.

I don’t want to live a life where I take such small things for granted anymore. I don’t know how often I have left things like this go and simply pass by, unnoticed. Probably more than I would like to know. I don’t want to do that anymore though. I want to find pleasure in the small things that, regardless of it mattering to anyone else, matters to me – and knowing that it matters to me is all that’s really important. While I wish to live a life of a servant, being there for those who need me, I need to make sure that I’m not forgetting about myself in the process. I still need to make sure I am living my life as well. I need to take the time to see the small things and find my humanity that I loose when I bury myself in work.

I looked back and saw that dog one last time before I went inside. I stared at it for a minute. I considered going back and just sitting with it all night. I eventually turned around and went inside though, knowing that I would have to be up in only a matter of hours. I couldn’t help but smile though. I couldn’t help but feel warmth and love. I couldn’t help but feel God was near.

And as I closed my eyes for the night, I could hear the stars sing.