Sunday, September 30, 2007

Oh, To Be A Real Boy

I really hate expressing myself to people. Especially when my mind has become a twirling spasm of thoughts because when that happens, I can't comprehend the slightest thing that is bringing my mood down. It's all piled on top of each other and I can't make out a formation. I can realize to some extent what is in that pile, but I can't find the key factor because they are all meshing together. Typically, I don't write when that happens. I might write a song or something but I usually refrain from writing blogs because I fear that I might actually express myself and people would finally see what is going on. I don't want people to know what is really going on though. It's not their problem, it's mine. I don't like expressing myself.

There are very few people who can truly figure me out and that I have really had a true heart to heart with. It's not because I am ashamed of whatever it is that is upsetting me (most of the time) but because I feel that if I were to talk to someone about what is going on with me or even blog about what is really bugging me, that it would come off as though I were whining ... or worse, that I am saying these things because I want attention.

I don't say things to bring attention to myself, or if I do, it's subconsciously. It just sort of happens. Usually I realize that I may have done something like that after-the-fact though and will typically refrain from it again. I try to anyways. I really don't want to bring attention to myself by talking about my problems though. The problems or things that are bugging me are mine to deal with, not someone else's. Why would I want to bother someone else with things that are bothering me? They'll just get annoyed or irritated.

I am, at the moment, sitting here and contemplating erasing this entire entry because I don't feel like being a complainer. I feel like if I post this, it's just going to come off in a way that annoys the reader. I'm going to go against what I want to do and continue writing though. For once.

Getting back to the point, I don't like expressing myself to people and talking about what's really going on because I don't think anyone really cares enough to listen and actually care. Someone might sit there and let me talk but they wouldn't listen.

It's time to just be brutally honest and say what I don't want people to know...and it's really hard to get to that point...but I'm going to anyways. I wish I could do it without this disclaimer though but I can't. Disclaimer: I'm not saying this for attention. I'm saying this because I tell all of my friends that I'm fine when I'm not and keep everything inside of me because it's my problem and no one else's. For once, I'm just going to be real.


I am someone who feels that they are undeserving of authentic love. I don't feel that I can earn it, that I deserve it, and I don't blame people when a complication arises. I blame myself. I most often believe that one mistake on my part will cause the person to completely hate me and no longer want any form of relationship to exist between us. I don't really know why this is but I don't know how to defeat this kind of thinking either. I can't help but to think it though. I just don't. I feel that I do things that cause people to not want to be my friend. Hell, sometimes I'm pretty sure that even God couldn't care less for me. I feel that I'm just a screw up and that's the only thing that I'm good at. Hurting, bothering, annoying or irritating people, making mistakes. Thoughts that my future is nothing. That I'll amount to nothing, that I'm not good enough to receive love, not good enough to achieve all that I want to achieve, not good enough to do things right.

I also don't believe that I can be accepted, which would be fine if I were someone who changed to find acceptance. However, I am not that kind of person so I generally think that my past, my mistakes, my mannerisms, my appearance, etc can't be accepted. There is something, some unidentifiable ... i-don't-know-what that people just don't like. Something that keeps me at a distance so that people don't have to know the real me, because when they do, they don't like me anymore. I've annoyed them or irritated them or I make them uncomfortable (I could go on with the list but I think you get the point). Do I have proof to support my claims? Nothing solid, just ideas that I mostly make up in my head to convince myself that I'm right.

Pretty much, I don't trust people and I don't think that someone could actually care about me. I just don't. It's not that I blame others. Actually, I blame myself...every time.

This post is a post of hope. For myself. Not a post for you to send me messages of pity but a post of hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to break this. That maybe, finally, after years of anxiety and fear when I'm around others, that I will be...fine. That I won't sit there and think about the reasons why I'm being awkward and convince myself that I'm making everyone else feel awkward as well. That I will sit there and for once, not worry. That maybe, I will be released from something that has had a hold of me for a very long time. Throughout the entirety of this writing, I slowly felt my sour mood lift and become one of joy. It's part of the reason you are reading this now. If I hadn't felt that something was happening though this writing, then I wouldn't post it.

I'm still scared that people are going to think that I am only putting this up for the attention though but I think I'm at a point where I don't care. If you think that, then you do. I don't really care anymore.

And once again, if you actually read this entire post, thank you. If you feel hurt or confused as to whether or not I trust you, just ask me. I'll be honest with you but just remember that, it's not anything that you do but everything to do with reasons that I come up with. Reasons that make me think that you don't like me, that I've caused you to not like me.

An interesting and ironic part of this post, however, lies within my own beliefs. Maybe you are someone who feels like I do. Maybe you are struggling with this very same thing. If you are, then I'm sorry. I believe however that everyone is deserving of real, authentic love. It's the very reason I try (I really do, but I know I screw up sometimes) to make everyone around feel like I care about them. Sometimes it's difficult only because I worry making someone feel awkward so I do it mostly by simply trying to be nice and accepting of who that person is.

If you are someone who feels like me, know...know that you are deserving. I really do believe that people are. I am so saddened when I hear people say that I'm nice to them even though they don't deserve it. That's just not true! I'm nice to you because you DO deserve it. I try to be as nice and accepting as I can be because I don't think that I can get that. I know I screw up and I know I make mistakes. I can get over them though because I wish I could know that people can forgive me for the mistakes that I have and will make. I'm nothing special, just a flawed being trying to finish this race so I can rest. I don't think I'm better than anyone else and I don't think people are really better than anyone else (although I will take my friends side's over those I don't know because my friends deserve to know that I'm on their side and I care about them).

Go take a look at who you really are...then smile, and know you have worth. Because you do.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Certificate Of Authenticity

Sometimes, when we, as the consumers that we are, go out and purchase items which we have wanted and/or needed (usually wanted), those items come with a certificate of authenticity. It is really nothing more than just a piece of paper that is assuring the consumer that the item purchased is made and manufactured by whatever company made the product. We can expect the quality we are used to or have been told of from that company. We know that the item is real, it is not a fraudulent item, it is not a fake but is exactly what we thought it was. It is what it is.

I wish people came with such certificates.

All my life I've dealt with two-bit frauds and clever backstabbers who seem so innocent and then take you down when you don't expect it. Cowards. Two-faces. Sadly, it is rare that I find someone who is authentic; who means the words they say. Someone who is actually honest and says what they mean to say, not what someone wants to hear only to retract such a statement when they aren't around. I can probably count on my hands the number of people I know are authentic and real to me in my life. I'd be surprised if I could fill up both hands though; use all ten fingers. I'm not going to name any names, even with people who I know really do care about me. Those who really care should have no question of whether or not I believe that they care or not; should have no question as to whether they come off two-faced to me. If you have any question about such a thing, then does that mean you're one of those people who's words you've said behind my back didn't match what you said to my face and you're contradictions have made their way back to me?

I can put that in simpler terms...If you are questioning whether or not you are one of those people, does that mean that you've said something behind my back? Something that, if it were to get back to me (which for some of you reading this, your words have gotten back to me) would upset me a great deal? Something that would show you to be a liar and a coward? Something that would show you to be fake?

For some time now, I've been analyzing the people in my life and noticing the way I'm treated by many. Very few of you show me any form of respect even though I would bend over backwards for you if you needed my help (and some of you ungrateful people have seen me do this...for you). People who actually take the time to get to know me understand the importance of friendship and honesty in my life. They understand how personal I will take something being ill-said behind my back as well. Why shouldn't I? You are spewing remarks about me to those who probably don't know me all that well and most of these remarks are speculation at best! Gossip is usually not true. People who want to make remarks and spread lies are often only speculating something happened but don't actually have any facts or they heard from someone else who is also speculating. Am I saying everything about me that has ever been said wasn't true? No, of course not. I have my faults. We all have our faults. I am terrible (or I think I am terrible) in many different areas in my life. I have my down falls. I screw up (a lot). Sometimes I may do or say something stupid. I have found my fair share of people who wish to say more than is true about me however.

Basically, what I am getting at is that I am tired. Tired of the cowards and the two-faces. Tired of people who are complete hypocrites; who say one thing and then do another. People who can't own up to their own words. People who purposely let me down and put me down. People who are fake. People who only have me around anymore because I might be of help to them someday and what is really sad is this...

I'll still help you even with the knowledge of you going behind my back and saying things that don't need to be said. Saying things that are hurtful. Saying things that are untrue. Saying things that are contradictory to things you've said to my face. I would still help you. I don't know why I have compassion for people, I just do. Sometimes, I really hate it because it's very hard to be mean to someone. I can't just knowingly go and be mean to someone. There are times when I may be caught in a sour mood and may come off rather rude but I won't leave such a reaction towards someone go without an apology. If I offend someone and can catch that I have offended them, I will almost always go to that person and apologize, and when I apologize, I mean it. As I've said before, I have my downfalls. Sometimes I have bad days. In all of this, I wasn't talking about someone having one instance of being mean to me because they were having a bad day. Those kinds of days don't count cause I have them too. I'm talking about people who are simply rude people and think they can say and/or do things to people without that person knowing.

Word travels. That person will find out that you spoke poorly of them.

I'm talking about people who are just shady because, they don't actually care about me. Why do they have me around every now and then? I'm not sure, but they sure as hell don't show me that they care. I'm relatively a good person to talk to when someone has problems. Perhaps that's one reason. A problem arises, they can't get ahold of anyone else so they call me and, of course, I go to where ever I need to go and meet up and we talk and things calm down and then I'll go months without hearing from that person again because they go what they needed from me.

That's just how it seems to me when I don't hear from people for months at a time or people scam on me when we have plans. Not once, not twice, I actually had someone who broke plans 6 times in a row before I finally just severed all ties with that person. Turns out, they were exactly the person that I'm ranting about right now. Some of you are this person as well. Some of you have been shady towards me and you've done it on purpose. For what reasons, I don't know. I probably won't ever know unless you just come out and say what they were.

All I've ever wanted were true friends. People who would be honest with me, who could show me love, who actually cared about me and didn't just have me around to use me when they needed to. I have a desire to be liked by people. I won't conform so that someone likes me though, my desire is to have someone like me for who I am, not for who they would rather I be. I want people in my life who's word is bond. People who are who they say they are. I have a few and I am grateful for all of you. There are many people who I have no idea what you think of me, and then there are people who this is about.

If you thought that this was written about you, don't come to me asking if it is and don't send me messages about whether or not this is about you. I won't respond. Instead, ask yourself if there is anything that you have done that would make this about you. If there's anything you've ever said to me that you contradicted later to another person. Ask yourself what you do to show that you are my friend.

I know that there are people who I have lost contact with. People who, over time, we sort of just...lost contact. I'm not talking about you people. Sometimes, people just loose contact with another and over time, get distant from each other. That happens and I understand that. This rant was towards those who see me on a somewhat-near-regular basis or talk to me often and are doing the things (or things like what was) mentioned above.

I honestly strive to be a good person in this life and to treat people with kindness and respect, something I so seldom feel I receive. If I've ever been unkind to you, this is my humble apology. It was never purposeful. I was probably having a bad day which have been occurring more frequently than not lately. I don't wish to bring harm to people. Any people. I only wish to help people, to be a friend to people that I may receive the same kindness and friendship back.

If you've actually read this...thanks. I really needed to let it out. To those of you who are true, I love you. To those of you who call me simply to say hello, to tell me you love me and you miss me, to see how I'm doing and to talk to me when things are not looking so good, I sincerely love you with all my heart. Thank you.