Sunday, September 30, 2007

Oh, To Be A Real Boy

I really hate expressing myself to people. Especially when my mind has become a twirling spasm of thoughts because when that happens, I can't comprehend the slightest thing that is bringing my mood down. It's all piled on top of each other and I can't make out a formation. I can realize to some extent what is in that pile, but I can't find the key factor because they are all meshing together. Typically, I don't write when that happens. I might write a song or something but I usually refrain from writing blogs because I fear that I might actually express myself and people would finally see what is going on. I don't want people to know what is really going on though. It's not their problem, it's mine. I don't like expressing myself.

There are very few people who can truly figure me out and that I have really had a true heart to heart with. It's not because I am ashamed of whatever it is that is upsetting me (most of the time) but because I feel that if I were to talk to someone about what is going on with me or even blog about what is really bugging me, that it would come off as though I were whining ... or worse, that I am saying these things because I want attention.

I don't say things to bring attention to myself, or if I do, it's subconsciously. It just sort of happens. Usually I realize that I may have done something like that after-the-fact though and will typically refrain from it again. I try to anyways. I really don't want to bring attention to myself by talking about my problems though. The problems or things that are bugging me are mine to deal with, not someone else's. Why would I want to bother someone else with things that are bothering me? They'll just get annoyed or irritated.

I am, at the moment, sitting here and contemplating erasing this entire entry because I don't feel like being a complainer. I feel like if I post this, it's just going to come off in a way that annoys the reader. I'm going to go against what I want to do and continue writing though. For once.

Getting back to the point, I don't like expressing myself to people and talking about what's really going on because I don't think anyone really cares enough to listen and actually care. Someone might sit there and let me talk but they wouldn't listen.

It's time to just be brutally honest and say what I don't want people to know...and it's really hard to get to that point...but I'm going to anyways. I wish I could do it without this disclaimer though but I can't. Disclaimer: I'm not saying this for attention. I'm saying this because I tell all of my friends that I'm fine when I'm not and keep everything inside of me because it's my problem and no one else's. For once, I'm just going to be real.


I am someone who feels that they are undeserving of authentic love. I don't feel that I can earn it, that I deserve it, and I don't blame people when a complication arises. I blame myself. I most often believe that one mistake on my part will cause the person to completely hate me and no longer want any form of relationship to exist between us. I don't really know why this is but I don't know how to defeat this kind of thinking either. I can't help but to think it though. I just don't. I feel that I do things that cause people to not want to be my friend. Hell, sometimes I'm pretty sure that even God couldn't care less for me. I feel that I'm just a screw up and that's the only thing that I'm good at. Hurting, bothering, annoying or irritating people, making mistakes. Thoughts that my future is nothing. That I'll amount to nothing, that I'm not good enough to receive love, not good enough to achieve all that I want to achieve, not good enough to do things right.

I also don't believe that I can be accepted, which would be fine if I were someone who changed to find acceptance. However, I am not that kind of person so I generally think that my past, my mistakes, my mannerisms, my appearance, etc can't be accepted. There is something, some unidentifiable ... i-don't-know-what that people just don't like. Something that keeps me at a distance so that people don't have to know the real me, because when they do, they don't like me anymore. I've annoyed them or irritated them or I make them uncomfortable (I could go on with the list but I think you get the point). Do I have proof to support my claims? Nothing solid, just ideas that I mostly make up in my head to convince myself that I'm right.

Pretty much, I don't trust people and I don't think that someone could actually care about me. I just don't. It's not that I blame others. Actually, I blame myself...every time.

This post is a post of hope. For myself. Not a post for you to send me messages of pity but a post of hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to break this. That maybe, finally, after years of anxiety and fear when I'm around others, that I will be...fine. That I won't sit there and think about the reasons why I'm being awkward and convince myself that I'm making everyone else feel awkward as well. That I will sit there and for once, not worry. That maybe, I will be released from something that has had a hold of me for a very long time. Throughout the entirety of this writing, I slowly felt my sour mood lift and become one of joy. It's part of the reason you are reading this now. If I hadn't felt that something was happening though this writing, then I wouldn't post it.

I'm still scared that people are going to think that I am only putting this up for the attention though but I think I'm at a point where I don't care. If you think that, then you do. I don't really care anymore.

And once again, if you actually read this entire post, thank you. If you feel hurt or confused as to whether or not I trust you, just ask me. I'll be honest with you but just remember that, it's not anything that you do but everything to do with reasons that I come up with. Reasons that make me think that you don't like me, that I've caused you to not like me.

An interesting and ironic part of this post, however, lies within my own beliefs. Maybe you are someone who feels like I do. Maybe you are struggling with this very same thing. If you are, then I'm sorry. I believe however that everyone is deserving of real, authentic love. It's the very reason I try (I really do, but I know I screw up sometimes) to make everyone around feel like I care about them. Sometimes it's difficult only because I worry making someone feel awkward so I do it mostly by simply trying to be nice and accepting of who that person is.

If you are someone who feels like me, know...know that you are deserving. I really do believe that people are. I am so saddened when I hear people say that I'm nice to them even though they don't deserve it. That's just not true! I'm nice to you because you DO deserve it. I try to be as nice and accepting as I can be because I don't think that I can get that. I know I screw up and I know I make mistakes. I can get over them though because I wish I could know that people can forgive me for the mistakes that I have and will make. I'm nothing special, just a flawed being trying to finish this race so I can rest. I don't think I'm better than anyone else and I don't think people are really better than anyone else (although I will take my friends side's over those I don't know because my friends deserve to know that I'm on their side and I care about them).

Go take a look at who you really are...then smile, and know you have worth. Because you do.

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