Saturday, July 26, 2008

A Rant Against Myself...Kind Of...

I've been sitting here wondering how to start writing this. It really bugs me that I can't even flesh out what I want to say on here. I have a mind that moves faster than the Earth spins and yet, I sat here staring at the screen hoping that something, anything would inspire me to begin typing. I think it's slightly funny but slightly upsetting, both at the very same time.

Goodness - even still, on the second line, I'll begin to type something then erase it and sit here and stare! What is going on? Why can't I write like I used to write? Is it lack of inspiration or excitement? I enjoy writing. I view it as very therapeutic. It's why I write privately too. Writing is something that is very helpful when the situation calls for it. For, I'm not even sure how long though, I haven't really been writing. I keep a private journal, sure, but I enjoy the conversations that can get started by things I've written. I enjoy going into discussions about the world, about life, about God and having intelligent discussions and debates on anything and everything. I won't lie though that, selfishly, I also enjoy getting the comments and compliments that I have received on previous posts. It’s just how I am.

But back to the point -

I really miss writing like I used to. I'm not sure why I stopped, to be honest. I think it may have been a lack of inspiration. Maybe it was the way I was feeling about life though. I don't think I've really felt much for life for a very long time. Maybe that's when the writing stopped. Maybe that's when the inspiration was lost.

Maybe I simply wrote about so much that I finally ran out of stuff to say...but if that were the case, I'd stop thinking about the horrors that plague this world, about the corruption of government, the deceit of man, the beauty I see in creation, the hope I see in people, the injustices that go on unanswered and unnoticed by most of the world and how angry that makes me. We can probably rule out that I ran out of anything to say - so honestly, it's probably the way life has been.

Life has lost its excitement for me. In almost anything I do anymore, I'm just not excited about it. I don't get excited about it. I'm writing this while in Brazil and am saying that I don't feel excitement. I wasn't anxious to get here, nor was I entirely anxious to get to Hawaii. It's not that I don't like living in Hawaii and it's not that I don't like it here in Brazil, but the whole thing is just sort of - meh.

Meh - that's the best way to describe how I feel about almost everything anymore. I feel like I'm loosing my humanity. I'm very indifferent on everything anymore. I feel bad when people ask and expect me to be intensely excited about going to Brazil or doing this or helping with that and my response is, "eh, I'll be excited when it's happening" which so far hasn't even been the case. I'm still waiting for the excitement of being in Brazil to set in. I highly doubt it will. It's really saddening though, cause I want to have such excitement and energy for what I'm doing but I feel - I don't know. Stagnant? Redundant? Complacent? I think complacent is a good word. They might all be good words to describe how I feel.

Here's how I'll describe this. Put yourself in a car, on a straight road and throw it into neutral so you're just coasting. You're not really moving forward, nor are you really moving backward. You just sort of, exist. You're just there. That's how I feel. I feel like I just kind of exist and that there's not much significance in anything anymore. I love my God, I love my family and I love my friends. I really believe in the things I believe in (like Invisible Children). I really like writing music and making movies and I love to sing. It's really not anything against the people I know or the things I do, it's simply how life feels for me. I feel stuck in the same place in life. I don't feel like I'm making improvements but I don't necessarily feel like I'm doing anything wrong either.

Re-reading that, it actually sounds like a rather nice place to be...but I can assure you that it's not. It's a torturous place to be. I want to excel and prosper forth. I want to feel emotion again and be excited about such silly, miniscule things. This place, this complacency, leaves me feeling like I'm taking the whole world for granted. It makes me feel unloving towards other and it makes me bitter. I want to spread love and fight for justice, not help breed injustice through bitterness and hate. I want people to smile and I want to help them smile. I want true relationship with the people I know and love. I want them to know, without having to second-guess it, that I really do care about them and their wants and needs, joys and pains, happiness and sorrow. I want people to see Christ, living out in me. I want to be respectful and be given a respect that I often feel I'm not given. I am selfish and I am arrogant. I am bitter and conceited. I feel annoyed and irritated by far to many things. I'm nowhere near the person I want to be. People tell me I am good, but I'm not. Sin has engulfed me and I simply cannot break its snares. I constantly fight everyday to try and be joyful and it's hard, so very hard.

I am not proud of the person that I am, regardless of the things I'm doing. I'm not looking forward to the person that I think I may become. I'm fighting ever so much to change course and move to become someone who IS those things above but every night I go to bed feeling that I've only moved farther from that.

To be honest, I'm really just starting to get fed up. (Oh gosh - this is going to start sounding like your blogs, Brian. haha) I'm fed up with a culture that sees suffering and doesn't realize how it affects them. I'm fed up with people who only accept things in the government as they are and don't care to think about the effect that some of these decisions will have on us. I'm fed up with people who only want to point the finger at everyone else and not realize how their attitude has contributed to the situation. I'm fed up with friends who lie through their smiles, who say they care but they really couldn't care less if they ever saw you again. I'm fed up with people who claim to be something they're not. I'm fed up with people who condemn and judge others just because they aren't the way the condemner wishes they were. I'm fed up with going through life, existing - but that's it. Just feeling that I exist and there's nothing more. I'm fed up with feeling that God is distant.

I'm fed up with being the person above; as I'm sure I've contributed to all these things and more. I want to be someone new. I want to be happy and excited about things. I want to love and be loved. I want to support and accept people, regardless of sex, gender, religion, and the millions of other things people connect to. I simply want to look at another human being as simply that - a fellow human being who is just as deserving (or undeserving) as I am. I want to see people for who they are, created in the image of a loving God, being no different that I am. I want to love.

I really want to start writing again. I feel alive when I am writing. I feel alive when making music, and God knows how much I want that to come back to me. I desperately I want to begin writing music again. I want to write and make more movies and short films and music videos. I want to be good at what I do. Really. Not for money. I don’t care what you say, what you teach or what you were taught. I don’t play music, write music, make movies nor am I in the video business to get rich and make money. I make videos and music because I enjoy it. Plain and simple. Does that mean I’m a sell-out when I get paid to do those things? Maybe, but I don’t care. I still enjoy doing it. If I decide to get paid for it too – what concern is it of yours? In fact, I would like to get paid. I like having things. It’s nice. I like eating. A lot.

And yet, even with that mindset, why do I still worry about the future? I have been living off nothing for the past few months and it was fine. I enjoyed it. I still worry about the future though. Which is so weird to me. If I don’t do it for the money, don’t care if I’m poor, why do I worry about the future? Because, in the end, I’m selfish and I want people to recognize what I’ve done. I want to have a family someday and be able to support them and give them nice things. I want to make my mother proud. I want to feel accomplished. One of my dreams is to make a CD and a movie that, 10 or 20 years from now, I’ll still listen to and watch and love it. Cherish it.

Maybe it’s selfish and maybe my thoughts sometimes contradict themselves, but I really don’t care. I mean, the only reason I’ve really even written this much is as a challenge to myself to start writing again. I’m sure (at least I hope) I’ll touch on much of this later. If you have read through this whole thing, thanks. It was a pretty random rant, derived from talking to a friend about a lot of this. I'm sorry for the randomness of it though - sometimes my head simply moves to fast for me to really keep up.

I hope inspiration returns to me so I can write like I used to, not just these blogs but songs and movies and short films. This blog, is really a big rant against myself, really. I guess I'm fed up with myself in the long run because, really, there are a lot of things that I'm annoyed with that I could change if I really wanted to. I'm lazy though and changing things about oneself is hard. I'm trying to move past that though. Really I am.

So much in my head - so random - can't focus...

Go listen to "Ocean's Above." Fantastic worship.

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