Thursday, October 4, 2007

This Blog Irritates Me

For some reason, the question that keeps ringing through my head has been,

"Why can't people understand and know love? Why can't we find it or see it when it's there? Why can't we trust enough to trust that love is and/or can be real? Why is love so distant? Why is it so obscure? Why is it so foreign? Why?"

I don't have these answers because I'm someone who suffers from thinking that I can't find love but that doesn't stop me from trying to show it to my friends. I just feel so sad and angry at the same time when I hear the way some of my friends talk, especially about themselves. Usually, what they're saying is wrong and is more of a fabrication that society or past experiences with a member or members of the opposite gender that has caused such a lack of love; the finding and understanding of love and loving ones self. It's almost never right. I don't think I've ever heard someone accurately talk themselves down. We see ourselves a different way than everyone else because we know everything we've ever done. We know who we are and we know what we are capable of. We ARE our own worst critics.

There are to many girls in my life who hate themselves. Not their personality either but their looks. I get so irritated with that. I try not to let it show but there have been times when I just got fed up. I feel awkward complimenting a girl I'm not dating. I don't really know why, I just do. I'm no liar though. If I'm telling you something, it's true. If I discover something that I said isn't true, I'll almost always go back to whomever and let them know I lied out of a lack of knowledge. That happens sometimes but we're getting off subject. Why are we as a people so superficial? Why are men so obsessed with the girl with the biggest breasts and nicest butt and best curves and blah blah blah? Why do we, as a gender, go around saying this girl is hot or that girl is hot or this celebrity is hot or whatever? Why?! It's dumb. I know I'm guilty of doing it too and I feel bad. I'm only adding to this problem where we are so obsessed with the way we look.

I just get so irritated. So irritated that a beautiful girl can look at herself in the mirror, at a mere 110 lbs or so and see someone so grotesque and so obese and so disproportionate that it can literally bring her to tears. So irritated that a guy, who has so much pressure put on him to be "the man" that he feels sleeping with any young girl will make him more masculine and more accepted by his peers. I'm pretty much just irritated that we are all so infected with this superficial disease that there is no trust anymore, not even from myself. I don't trust anyone but at the same time, I want to. I want to so badly!

Trust is a form of love. To trust someone is something that a lot of us can't even comprehend. How could I trust someone to be there for me, even when I'm at my worst; at my darkest? For myself, the only thing I see when I think about something like that is most of the people in my life turning their backs and walking away in disgrace, forgiveness thrown out because of my mistake. There are very few that I feel would walk over to pick me up. I really hope that there are people out there who think I would be that person. If not, then I am sorry for whatever I've done to you that I'm not one of those people (even though, you might just be like me and it just takes a very long time before you can trust someone into your life that much, to that much extent).

Love is real and never ends. If it were to end, then what point would there be for love? We have a term such as unconditional love but what is conditional love? How can love have conditions? How can you tell someone you love them unless they do this or that? That doesn't make any sense to me. For love to have a condition is something that I don't think can exist. Love and conditions just don't go together. If you only loved me until I made a mistake, then what kind of love is that? How can it be love? I don't think it can. I think love is the ability to get over that mistake and eventually forget it. I think love is one of those things where you can meet someone half way and realize that you make mistakes as well, that a mistake is all they've done.

Am I saying not to get mad at anyone? No. I'm saying that someday, we can actually hang out with said person again or if the situation was really bad, that we could at least meet every now and then for coffee or something (and no, this isn't meant to anyone specific, that was just an example).

I don't really know where I was going with this. I think I was just ranting because this is something that bothers me. I'm not mad at anyone. I'm mad at society and media for the pressure that they put on us everyday, but not at anyone in particular.

I think love is a beautiful thing and if you feel that you are someone who hasn't found it yet or won't, I truly truly hope that you do. I believe that love and hope are available for all people, regardless of gender, race, creed, etc. I make mistakes, all the time. I'm not here to judge. For you, reading this, I hope that you feel love from me. I hope that you can look at me and know that I care about you. If you don't, then I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you feel that way.

I love you all. I do. You all have a place in my life. Smile...and know you have worth.

I dont know if this blog makes any sense but I do thank you for reading this far. If it does make sense to you, then I hope it helps you, somehow, someway. Take care.

"Lose one friend, lose all friends, lose yourself."

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